Doomed again..

I'm really stressed out right now, and blogging seems to be my only respite..

I'm going to be having a big-ass case presentation and I'm still not ready.. It sucks that it has to be this way.. I even earned the ire of one of my favorite consultants as he is supposed to be my moderator for tomorrow and was pretty pissed when he learned that I wasn't ready.. :(

Not that I'm making excuses, as this topic has been given to me roughly a month ago.. right smack in the middle of a toxic rotation just before christmas break while people were making all theses christmas party preparations and stuff.. It was really rough getting anything academic done during that great time of the year. What fool would waste 6 days of hard-earned freedom to do more things that remind him of what he's broken free from? Coming back after vacaton was no different, since we had every-other day duty for 6 days, 7 for me since I had to make an additional slide to get into my regular schedule.. after the dust finally settled, I was only left with 4 complete days with which I could actually throw something together and make good of myself.. Or I might make a fool out of myself tomorrow... :(

Oh, another thing to amp up the degree of difficulty.. I'm among the three lucky fellows assigned on ward detail fr half the month, managing a ward that was meant for 5 fellows to operate in, since the seniors assigned to the wards are both involved in the goddamn interhospital presentation and cannot be disturbed from their work..

Sigh.. Its all just so frustrating, and you cant really do anything about it.. :( Add a few not-so-friendly coworkers and you have the perfect recipe for disaster. The fun won't end after the presentation. Aart from the expected fallout from putting on a poor showing, I will have to deal with the stresses of being the ABG reader for the next 10 days, as well as preparing my research protocol for a possuble presentation this coming February..

Fellowship is supposed to be a bit lighter, but so far, it has been a not-stop whirlwind of stuff to do (including wasteful tiring things like Christmas Party dance practices, putting together decorations, and other totally creative wastes of time.) I just wanna have some free time to rest and do my own shit and hang out with the people Itruly care about, and not have to force myself to sit in and stay together with a bunch of people who don't really give a damn about me or the stuff I like anyway..

I miss my MROD days.. True, things were much toxic physically then, but it didn't really take away too much from your psyche.. I guess that's the problem with these more "intellectual" institutions where the people tend to expect so much more from you.. You think I'd have learned my lesson already ever since that Neurology debacle a few years back..

Oh well, no use bellyaching abot it now.. Have to go and drag myself back to working on this stupid topic, Hopefully I can make it through relatively unscathed.. Hopefully, but I honestly won't be holding my breath..

Those old war stories..

This evening found me wandering aimlessly among my old blog posts when I was drawn to the stories from my Clerkship year, starting off with this one.

After reading all the way to the start of Internship, I was awestruck with the realization of what I had already been through in such a short span of time, and what I willingly put myself through to earn my MD..

Some of the stuff I wrote made me chuckle, especially those that said "I hope one day I'll just look back at this and laugh" when describing a particularly toxic rotation. :P

I remember the sleepless nights, staying up to monitor a critical patient closely; those days when you'd be so busy that you're only able to eat lunch at 11pm that evening; the nights when you're just going to bed when your groupmate bursts into the room shouting "Code! Code!" and you get up and rush out to try and resuscitate a patient whose heart had stopped beating...

Clerkship is really a mixed bag. You're supposed to learn and work at the same time, and it's not just simple on-the-job training for routine tasks.You monitor patients and scrub in for ORs one moment, you're attending a major lecture or conference the next.

It still boggles the mind how we were able to survive all that. Considering the workload thrust upon us with very little shut-eye during the duties (which were every other or every 3 days, depending om the rotation), it was a miracle that we were able to stay sharp and healthy enough to do the things that were expected of us..

To cope with the stress and fatigue, people come up with all sorts of creative ways to make oneself "happy" or maximize downtime. During clerkship, a lot of people were drawn to the casual games like Bejeweled and Diner Dash (casual gaming was just gaining a foothold back then).

We had to put up a brave front especially when we were seeing the patients. A lot of the things going on behind closed doors at the hospital is unknown to the public. Al the sacrifices, heartaches, and sob stories remain untold, often by choice.

But there were a lot of good things as well. Fascinating cases, incredible ORs, not to mention all the knowledge one would gain just by interacting with a patient as compared to just reading about cases in a book. 

In the end, it would still be all about the patients. People who came in hoping for relief from whatever malady they are afflicted with. I guess we took on that great responsibility as well, sometimes unknowingly, since we were just medical clerks at the time after all. I guess we could say that we gave it our best(in our own limited way) to make sure that our patients got the care that they deserved.

We were lucky to have our seniors (interns, residents) who have been there and done that, to help us in our goal of learning to treat the sick and give comfort to the afflicted.

We also learned a lot from each other, especially when different people would be lucky enough to handle different cases. Those little informal learning sessions with your groupmates/classmates served not only to increase our collective knowledge, but to tighten the bonds of camaraderie that only a common experience of hardship could forge.

After a year's worth of learning and hard work, it was time to move on. Groups split up as people went their separate ways after graduation. Most proceeded to their post-graduate internships at the different hospitals. Others, particularly those who came from the states, opted to forgo internship (and thus the local boards) and went straight home to take the US boards and eventually train there. 

Clerkship is a very memorable and life-changing experience, but certainly not one which I would ever want to go through again.. :P