I tried..

I really need to start writing again..

Lately everything in my life has been such a blur.. I don't know what to make of things anymore..

And now something really big just came up, and I feel that my life is about to spiral out of control..

Nothing makes sense anymore.. I hate to sound so melodramatic, but I presently feel that I no longer have anything to live for..

Regrets abound,and there's nothing I can really do about it..

I'm actually writing this as a warmup to a much bigger thing, the most difficult letter I will probably ever have to write in my entire life..

Exhaustion

Man, I'm tired..

I know I should be out there fighting the good fight and all that crap, but I'm just so tired already.. I feel so worn down..

Second year is really no joke.. It's kinda like a double whammy.. You're already dead tired from working at the ER every duty, but you're also expected to be at your very best during your multiple lectures and conferences..

To top it all off, we didn't even get a Christmas break last year..

This sucks... :(

I really wish I had a whole lot more time to myself, especially do to what I want, like blogging for instance..

Last Day Off

I went on an involuntary hiatus of sorts, since it wasn't really totally up to me. I was experiencing a kind of situation, you see..

..and I certainly hope the image obviates the need for any further uncomfortable explanations..

Still, there wasn't really much free time to go around in order for me (supposedly) get stuff done whilst I'm away from the constricting tendrils of the beloved hospital, as the past two days found me shuttling between desperately trying to keep myself hydrated and going on regular trips to the loo to undo what I had just attempted minutes ago..

Yes it was a pretty sad situation, and it would have made things much worse since it was the middle of the week which mean nobody would be home pretty much the entire day. Luckily, brother was around since he was on his 8 days of "forced" leave. (I'm astounded by these companies who jam leaves down their employees throats if they are unable to consume them within the year.. but I digress)

The fact that I DID have some time was not lost on me though, and I tried to make the most of this pair of days by unwinding a bit (when I wasn't shivering with fever or passed out from dehydration).

A few days ago, I had the good fortune of being able to drop by the local bookstore and snapped up a copy of one of these..

Ain't it just peachy keen? :P

I haven't read Archie for the longest time. In fact, it think the last time I picked up an Archie comic and reas it was sometime during 1st year medical school, or even earlier..

Reading through it was such a total hoot! Especially since it was my preferred bathroom reading during my youth (hehe). Aside from samples of stories from every decade that Archie has been in existence, it also featured commentaries from people within the Archie company, as well as various names in the comic book business, with luminaries such as Stan Lee lending their pens to scribble a few of their fondest Archie memories and stories, which are then featured in the book.

Brother also brought me a little surprise the other day which I only got around to reading just now..

Another chapter to the story of the Sixth child of the Sixth child..

Yup, it's the 5th installment to the Trese series of graphic novels that I have been collecting. I won't leave spoilers here as its a fairly new book, but suffice to say that I didn't think I saw that one coming. The plot is now getting thicker, and I can't wait for the guys to churn out the next issue.. yes, it's THAT good. :D

Dang, it's time to get some shuteye already? Dammit, I know this being sidelined by diarrhea was too good to last.. (huh? :P). Until next time then.

On Loving Someone..

This is a pretty touchy topic, especially for me. However, having the luxury of a little free time for a little free thought brings about various topics that need to be written about while one still as the time.

For those of you who know me, let me put it simply.. Yes, there is something wrong, and I won't elaborate further and I'll just leave things at that.

It's just so exasperating.. my folks always said that a relationship should always be a give and take.. how come I always feel like I'm losing out?..

On second thought, I'm not comfortable discussing this at all. Oh wel..

Injured

Stuck at home with a badly swollen sole which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to ambulate freely..

Not that I'm not grateful for the chance to recuperate. :P Plus there is still paperwork to be done. Boo.

Life has gone by in such a blur. One moment I've hit rock bottom, with my only saying grace being granted an opportunity to have IM residency at a relatively unknown hospital. Next thing I know, I'm finally moving up, at the cusp of being promoted to second year with pre-residents under my guidance and command..

Life really has a strange way of turning things around unexpectedly.

Now that I have a chance to take a short breather and reflect, I'm really grateful for all the wonderful things and great opportunities that came my way this year. It was not without its ups and downs, but for the most part, this year has been pretty solid for me, one of the few positive ones I've had in recent times.

Hating on Mondays

I'm not really fond of Mondays..

Now that the present workload has gotten a lot heavier as a result of transitioning before eventually moving up, I hate it even mre.

Especially when I'm coming from the relative calm of a weekend off.

Taking stock of my present situation now, I don't think it can get any worse, but believe me, it will.. sigh.. :(

I just wish we had a lot more helping hands..

When I first signed up for this mess, I thought everything would be smooth sailing for the most part.

But then they started dropping out like flies.

One was let go because he was absolutely incompetent, the other two am not too sure, but one of the two has a terrible attitude problem.

Thing is, why bother getting residents of that quality when you'll just kick them out eventually?

Anyway, I digress.. Monday is really such a chore..

Fed Up

I didn't go to work today.

I'm so fed up with all the crap I deal with at the hospital that I really had to just get away.

It wasn't always like this.. About a year ago, I was introduced to this medium-sized hospital that gave public service and had an IM deparment that I thought was worth a damn.. I eventually became a part of them, and worked really hard to do my part and my share of the work.

It was actually fun for a while. I was learning a lot interacting with my own patients, making them well, and seeing them through to their eventual release from the hospital.

I was trained in doing various procedures and other interventions that may have seemed to be less than ideal, but given the situtaion the hospital and patients were in, wasn't really half-bad. I learned how to compromise, to work with a limited armamentarium just to help someone get well. Heck, I even had ample time to study, which was a new thing for me since the places I've been to before didn't really cut much slack.

But then things started to get weird, then nasty.

The seniors started to begin behaving erratically, although I'm not sure if that was really their character from before. New boneheaded policies were being instituted left and right. Ample time to do work was being cut down bit by painful bit. They demand results, but give you very little time to achieve it. Eventually 3 of our number left, making the individual workloads much more heavier. Then they start piling up more shit on us. I'm very resentful whenever they speak of "during our time, we were able to do this and that..", because when I asked people who have been around longer, the old hospital (we're currently working in a newer, larger facility) had roughly half the number of patients as compared to the present. So what may have seemed to be ample time for them in those days is just a laughable tick of the clock when you take the present patient load into consideration.

The thing that pisses me off the most are the policies governing the payward. t was bad enough that the responsibilities of handling the payward was turned over to us (when traditionally it wasn't).

They're actually a strange group.. One hides behind the excuse that she's pregnant to start bitching all over the place (especially to me, and I really have no idea what I did to deserve such treatment). You have another one who is chronically angry and gets ticked off at the slightest sneeze. Another one who seems to have a very unstable personality and is able to lash very-much uncalled for personal attacks at the same time seeming very calm (kind of like the Joker) who also likes to converse in some strange baby-talk which seems unbefitting of a senior (or even of a grown adult), and another one who seems very understanding and kind but is really just like the rest of them when you turn your backs. When they all get together, that's when they are at their worst. They also love to suck up to the consultants build themselves up at the same time making every one else look bad. The speak of leaving after the year ends yet some want to stay behind in a fit of self-righteousness to "lead the hopeless residents who will be left behind". The leadership is really a kind of a joke. I'm sick of being compliant and blindly obedient. I don't have something to believe in or something to rally behind...

It's almost September, and their time with us is almost up. But the damage has been done. As they try to make things more and more complicated, people began screwing up, making things worse and worse. It's a viscious cycle, and only they have the power to break it, but they won't.. Such a waste.. I thought that my stay in this hospital would be better than the rest.. I guess that's what happens when you have a purely female leadership.. No offense to the ladies reading this blog ha?

I guess that's all for now. I'll see if I can muster up enough "angry" to post another scathing review