Lonely Fellow..

After my little online rant the other day, I kinda felt better, although I had a really toxic duty during that evening. Then when the time came for me to go home in the afternoon, I felt strangely calm and at peace.. Let me elaborate..

The fast few weeks have been kind of long and dragging for me.. I was feeling really down, unhealthy, and to tell you quite frankly, I felt sick (both literally and figuratively). Although things weren't really going bad in training, I felt a kind of loneliness which I had not felt since way back when I was just starting out as a medical resident. I was kind of moping around, clearly dissatisfied with my life. It didn't help that my female batchmates have one by one decided to turn their backs on me for some reason.. I mean, I don't think I did anyone wrong, nor did I get anyone into trouble. It may be true that I'm not really the most fun guy to be with, and that I only speak when I am spoken to (since I don't really have anything to talk to them about). I'm seen as no -nonsense, whereas they seem to be enjoying taking everything lightly except when it comes to work (where they get really worked up about everything). And they wonder why I don't seem to open up to them..

Getting to know me is a long process, as I don't really trust people with the details of my life that easily. That is why I do not really post any personal stuff on these social networking sites, and would like to keep my friend list to a minimum if possible. I am not a socia media narcissist like some other people who feel the obligation to take a new selfie every now and then and refresh their profile photo for whatever reason they may have.

I guess my sociability problem stems from the feeling of relative contentment I have with my life right now. I am not particularly wanting for anything. I am able to go home and be with my family on a regular basis (if you can call a resident/fellow's schedule "regular"). I fortunately have a special someone in my life who gives me something to look forward to in the future. :) I do not have any pressing aspirations to become fantastically wealthy, nor am I desiring a lavish lifestyle which I would have to work myself to death in order to maintain.. I guess all these things created this attitude that "I don't really need anything or anyone else", which is fundamentally wrong by itself..

But it's so hard to be sociable when you aren't really fond of things that sociable people do, like going out, drinking, and karaoke. I would very much rather snuggle up at home on my bed or spend the entire day playing NBA on a console. :P

I guess I have to wrap this up soon. The preop-postop conference starts in a few minutes.

Working Angry

I should not be blogging right now, since I'm supposed to be in the midst of preparing for a big-ass conference to be presented on Monday. But something in my head is screaming for its bloody release, so here we go..

I went to work this morning feeling absolutely lousy, and it didn't help that the traffic was just terrible when I left home, resulting in my coming in late for the 2nd time in 2 months.. :/ I'm really suspecting that I may have Obstructive Sleep Apnea, but I don't really have the time to get myself checked out. A funny thing since the Sleep Lab is on the floor where we make our rounds..

Truth be told, I think I'm starting to lose my faith in humanity.. You hear all this sad news from abroad about these individuals who have the nerve to actually call themselves "people" who are killing people left and right in an attempt to put up a rogue nation of sorts all in the name of their "religion". It sickens me that a wonderful thing like faith in an all-powerful diety can be perverted to evil means by selfish or twisted individuals for their own personal or misguided "selfless" gains.

I am not a religious bigot by any means, but its really frustrating when you hear the more conservative people from the same sect denouncing  theses monsters and yet they actually do little else.. Are they just paying lip service just so that their religion won't be seen in a bad light but the global community at large, whilst at the same time secretly rooting for these terrorists since they seem to promise a kind of religious utopia exclusive for them (no matter how perverted or horrible it may be for the other peoples, but who really cares about them anyway since they're all just unbelievers, eh?).

Its hard not to be suspicious, because all over the world you see them clamoring for special treatment, secession, and whatnot. What's wrong with just playing nice with everyone else? We're people too, you know. So what if we dont worship the same diety? Strict adherence to ancient texts which endorses the genocide of other people or treeating them poorly just because they don't worship who you worship is totally unfair, esecially if those people are just minding their own business.. Why can't you just leave them alone? Why do you have to push the issue? Religious belief is a very tricky thing, and people who are nuts have used it on many instances as a pretext for death and destruction. Maybe its time to reevaluate the teachings that you have. I have been looking into my belief system as well, and as a decent human being, I don't think I will be following any inflammatory statements regarding people of other faiths anytime soon because PEOPLE ARE STILL PEOPLE!!

I really want to respect everyone's belief system as long as they don't impinge on the rights of others. But that's the main problem here now, isn't it? There is a loss of respect for the rights of others. Just like a self-centered infant who always wishes to be the center of attention, or an impatient child who gets angry just because the grown-ups won't let him get his own stupid way, these misguided militants deserve to get their asses kicked before they could harm more people and ruin more lives.. I hope the moderate people among them finally wake up and see what is truly happening, and DO SOMETHING for the sake of human decency.

If these rouges are not true practitioners of your religion, then bring them to justice yourselves, or take a very big role in bringing them down, instead of the just watching as the rest of the world tries to fight them off while you sit smugly in your homes and wait for the dust to clear, and probably laugh at the rest of us if we fail to put them down. You have a stake in this too! Or maybe you just think that you'll be better off supporting the other side since they are technically your "brothers" anyway so you can just sit and watch the world burn.. Now I'm just sad for what humanity has become.... :(

Whoa.. That was uncharacteristically long, angry, and religiously flavored... I'm sorry. I'm just so fed up with the world right now.. There are other issues which kind of grind my gears, but this is the most pressing issue for me, which has been simmering beneath the surface for the longest time.. I'm not really comfortable discussing religion here as it would ruin the light-natured spirit of the blog, but this is also my own space where I can place whatever I want, especially issues which really get me ticked off.. I promise to tone down the rhetoric though, because this isn't really healthy either.

Doctors get stressed out too, you know!

Ok, so this is a rant. But i do what i can to survive, to prevent myself from burning out. Other people go out at night, have drinks, and indulge in all sorts of other "nightlife" activities. I don't do that. In fact, i would much rather curl up in bed and hide from civilization for the next week or so if given the chance.

Truth be told, I'm not really a very sociable person. Sure, i know how to interact socially with others like a normal guy, but constant exposure to complete strangers kind of takes its toll on me. Call me socially withdrawn, but i guess that's the truth. I don't mind clinic consults and whatnot, because you can go home and be yourself and be alone with your thoughts. That's why i really have a hard time at the ER. The physical and mental demands of going on 24+ hours duty is bad enough, added to the miscellaneous stresses that different personalities of the patients and watchers bring, and you have a coxktail for an early meltdown..

Part of me kind of wishes that I did not have my fellowship here, where the fellows are still the frontliners due to the absence of medical residents who are supposed to man these areas in other less specialized institutions. That's the price of quality training I guess. The policies may seem a bit heavy, but that's the way it has been since the inception of the institution..

I guess its because I'm already a little tired of everything. Admittedly, I'm not as young as I used to, and my endurance for pulling all-nighters seem to have dramatically decreased. Add that to health concerns which may already be cropping up as I age, and you have a very tired physician desperately trying to hold on with the hope that the end will come soon and that tommorrow will be a better day..

This is what happens when you don't have wifi and have gotten tired ofyour offline games..

I find it really sad that there are only a handful of iPad games that are really worthwhile. I mean, one can only play so much Zombie Tsunami or CSR Racing before his mind yearns for something new a d different. I used to have that with SimCity. It was a well-structured time sink of a game with an acceptable level of complexity and just the right amount of the building time element to keep you coming back for more, especially since its fre and plays offline. But I digress..

The point of this post is one of those "Favorite Lists" which I will make up on the fly as I go along. So here goes..

*WARNING: an accepteble level of geekiness may be required to comprehend what I'm gonna be writing about..

1. Favorite Autobot - Wheeljack

2. Favorite Decepticon - Soundwave (everyone loves Soundwave!)

3. Favorite Gestalt - Bruticus (even though he has a soft spot in the back)

4. Favorite Anime (all-time) - Taiho Shichauzo (its the first one that I religiously watched from start to finish on TV, and was fanboying so much that I was inspired to write my own Episode synopses before there was wikpedia))

5. Favorite Saiyan - Vegeta

6. Favorite Dragonball Villain - Cell

7. Favorite Seirin player - Junpei Hyuga 

8. Favorite member of the Generation of Miracles - Aomine

9. Favorite Serin opponent (team) - Kaijo

10. Favorite Spirit Detective (YYH) - Yusuke

11. Favorite Shohoku player - Kaede Rukawa

12. Favorite SlamDunk opponent (team) - Shoyo

13. Favorite SlamDunk opponent (player) - Akari Sendoh

14. Favorite Giant Robot (animated) - Voltron (Lions)

15. Favorite Voltron Lion - Red

16. Favorite Giant Robot (Live action) - Mask Robot (Maskman)

17. Favorite GI Joe - Sgt. Slaughter :P

18. Favorite COBRA - Cobra B.A.T.

19. Favorite Visionary (Good or Evil) - Witterquick

20. Facvorite Centurion - Max Ray

21. Favorite Thundercat - Panthro (he drives the friggin' Thundertank!)

Being Grateful

Downtime is such a prized resource, even moreso when duty at the Emergency Room.

I'm niow starting my fifth month of fellowship. While it hasn't been all fun and games, everything seems to be going well. :)

I wanted to take this time out to reflect on stuff that I really did not have the time for these past months since I was still adjusting to the new demands of the training program..

Looking back at where I came from in order to get to where I am now, I can't help but be grateful for having been trained at my mother institution for the following reasons:

- it made me tougher and more confident on managing patients on my own, which came in really handy when I was handling service patients as a fellow.

- it taught me how to be REALLY patient with certain kinds of people, especially patient's relatives.

- it taught me an entire truckload of clinical skills/procedures that I would otherwise not have developed as a resident in a private institution.

- it taught me to perfect my mastery of the vernacular so that I would be able to explain better to patients and relatives, and be understood fully and clearly.

- it allowed me to develop some semblance of leadership with which I could use to get things done in certain situations where cooperation is needed.

- it taught me to play nice and get along with the other services, no matter how annoying they were. Referrals are still referrals.

- it taught me to be a good junior, and a firm but fair senior.

- it taught me how to decide quickly and decisively in certain clinical situations in order to minimize the loss of life.

It taught me a lot about responsibilty and being accountable for one's actions.

- lastly, it taught me that diplomacy and politics, though as repugnant as it may seem sometimes, is necessary in order to protect the interests of your people.

Wow, that was a long list.. I'm actually quite surprised with how it turned out, since it just seemed to flow spontaneously from my mind.

That should be enough for the moment. I think I hear activity outside.. :/

Downtime at the Library

Being fortunate enough to have some downtime after my daily rounds, I decided to try out visiting the institution library since I heard that the Internet access is quite fast here. :D

As some of my more avid (?) readers know, I used to be a big fan of hanging out at the computer room duting my time in medical school.. Whoch is actually the main reason why this blog came to be in the first place. :P

It's such a joy to find a nice and peaceful oasis amidst all the craziness of training and the hospital.. I think that this will be a reasonable escape for me for the next year and a half while I complete my fellowship.

I have found myself looking forward to the future even more, now that an apparent end to training is in sight.. All of these new "what if" scenarios are starting to come out, and new issues such as marriage, housing, and investments are starting to catch and hold my attention, and since we are on the topic of marriage...

There is this girl I met.. Not the previous one who (seemed to have) made my world go around. I have finally dismissed her as a passing infatuation, and quite possibly just a rebound attraction after the end of my previous long-term relationship. No, this new girl is something else... She's someone I may have dreamed of meeting when I was younger but I never really thought that she would actually exist.. :)

We've known each other for just a relatively short time, but I think I already like where this is going.. We'll just see what happens.. ;)

Follow the Fellow

After having read a profound and eloquently-written piece by one of my co-fellows, I felt a bit inspired to head back to the writer's table and make a new entry.

I have almost completed my 4th month of fellowship. Its really amazing how tine could fly by so fast. 

After having gone rhrough one of the more grueling weeks i have experienced so far, having a little bit of freedom is a luxury I intend to maximize for the next week or so..

We have just finished our first quarteryly examinations, as well as a practical test for procedures. I can't really say that I did well, but I think I did enough.. :P

There was also a series of presentations I had to make.. 3 in a span of four days!  Add that to the ever-growing mountain of unfinished charts i had at the records section, as well as the added responsibility of being the ABG reader of the week, plus the passing of my personal census logbook and my part in the annual admission census.. Whew!! It was incredible that I survived all that.. :P

Of course, it helps if one is inspired to do great things by someone special.. ;)

I have had the privilege of being introduced to a great anime about basketball "Kuroko no Basket" (The Basketball that Kuroko Plays).  It was sooo awesome! :D Very Highly Recommended!

I hear there's even one about Volleyball. I'll bet "little sister" would be interested in that one naman. :)

Next month will find me at the ER once again. I hope I can make it through those ten duties unscathed :P