About love...

This topic has been pretty much taboo on this blog for the longest time already, what with everything that has transpired in the past years.. But now I guess I'm ready to take that brave step, and make a revelation to the world...

Some of my more sharper readers may have picked out my mentioning of my Other Half in certain entries, but I never really went into much detail about her, and I guess I still won't, since I don't really make things too public here.. Or anywhere else on the internet for that matter.

Anyway, my Other Half used to represent an ideal. A lofty idea or concept if you will, about a woman who would totally get me inside-out from the get-go because she, by some force of magic unbeknownst to man, would essentially be my clone, except that she would be a girl. The "female me" in a matter of speaking.

Best Friend and I had this conversation when we were younger when I asked him what girl would be right for me.. He gave such a specific answer that I never forgot to conversation. He told me "You'd probably want someone like you, except that she'd be a girl".

Eerily enough, a woman came into my life some time ago who matched the description PERFECTLY.. Getting to know her flowed seamlessly, as she immediately got what I liked and vice versa.. We never had trouble deciding on things together because we actually even thought alike in a majority (if not all) situations.. It was so uncanny.. Weird even..

The attraction followed naturally, since she was quite the pretty lady herself, and she thinks I'm quite the stud (Haha!). After that awkward initial first meeting which found us both struggling to keep our composure around each other, we finally began to settle into a comfortable routine that even long-time lovers aspire to have.

It also helped that I got to know her folks and get on their good side early on, as she got to meet my parents as well and left a good impression. I had no idea that being in a relationship could be this fun or effortless.. There's no point in keeping secrets since we can be totally open to one another without any need for second-guessing the other's reaction. We're both free to speak our minds, not in a superficial "Its ok, juat tell me" kind of way, but a "I trust you well enough that you won't freak out at this" kind of way.. Then there was that car accident and the run-in with the traffic police.  It was such a grueling experience but she never left my side even though I had already sent her home (since she lived nearby from where we had the accident). She actually even came back for me! It was like a scene from a movie or something! I wanted to cry on the spot but I was too busy listening to the cops to do so :P eventually everything ended well, and we had a hell of a story to tell when we got back! XD

I thought that getting involved with someone so similar would be boring and get old really fast, but boy was I ever wrong! Being similar means that you both enjoy the same things, and you don't have to force each other to sit through stuff while only one of you enjoys what he or she is doing. Those little differences with regards to what guys and girls like become negligible and instantaneously forgivable, since you still have so much in common to like and get along with. 

Needless o say, I'm quite pleased with the way things are right now, and I expect things to remain this way for a long time to come.. :) after all, so does she.. ;)

On the other hand...

This was written shortly after the previous post...

I'm also grateful for the chance to get away from the hospital for a while. My patients are (hopefully) pretty much stable for the past few days, except for that newly intubated one which made my morning pretty busy after going through that grueling case conference.

Hey, I guess I got through that pretty much unscathed! Thanks to my dear consultant moderator who took one for the team and gamely answered most of the weird questions asked by the consultants. I had to answer the basic academic stuff of course, but the advanced technical stuff that a level 1 fellow wound not normally know were covered by him. I'm also grateful to my consultant reactor, who really took time out to make a presentation in front of the body so that the conference would be a lot more interesting.

See, this is what happens when you let a burned-out doctor rest. He becomes a lot less crankier and a lot more insightful. :) I just hope this tides me over the next couple of days until the seniors go back to their original posts after all the craziness of the interhospital conference has subsided.

Come to think of it, i never really had the time to bask in the thought that my case conference ordeal for this month is finally over.. And to think that it was accomplished amidst a lot of tiredness and procrastination. Such wonders a looming deadline has on the productivity of a person. I think it shot up by about 200% i actually even left the house at 5am the previous day to make early rounds just so I could lounge around the house for roughly half the day, and devoted 8 intense hours to the completion of the presentation. Hehe :P

Although it is an experience I don't want to go through again.. XD

I promise to put on a much better showing next time, especially if I find the topic particularly interesting..

My ass hurts from all this sitting though.. i wonder when I will be relieved?..

This is stupid

The following post was typed the day before while at a different location

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Among the myriad of jobs a fellow has to do in our institution, accompanying patients to dialysis ranks among my least liked. It's a total waste of time, especially if your duties for the month leave you pretty much occupied. Its a different deal when you're the floater though, as you can use the tine to kick back and relax as you waste the day away. XD

I can't wait for this damn academic year to be over.. I absolutely despise going on ER duty, and i yearn to taste a bit of a schedule change beyond the Pre-Duty-From cycle that I have grown accustomed to throughout the years.. Heck, I just wanna be done with training, period!

I yearn to have the opportunity to finally live my life according to my own design.. I long to break free from the confines of a duty schedule, from running after annual academic requirements. I want to be able to take an actual vacation where I can truly rest my weary mind and body which has been worn down through the years as a result of the rigors of hospital training.. It may sound shocking, but I want to have the opportunity to not be a doctor for a while... I just want to live anonymously in peace and not be bothered by anyone, including patients. Call it being antisocial, call it whatever you like. I don't really give a crap. Chances are, if you're reacting like that, you're probably one of those kinds of people that I'm trying to get away from..

I'm really going to stick to my rule of not giving out my phone number to patients. I value my personal time, and patients have no business bothering me when I'm away from the hospital or my duties. I don't think I would love my job enough to be immersed in it 24/7. Besides, there are some other roles in life that I need to make room for in the future which would demand my utmost attention, like being a dad or a husband.. ;) 

I don't wanna do this..

My mind says I must, but my heart is just not into it..

Still won't change the fact that it has to be done though..

Sigh.. I'm sick of researching for lousy topics which don't really pique my interest.. It takes my time away from other more valuable pursuits close to my heart.. But this is the nature of training I suppose.. You can't always like everything you're asked to do.. That's why probabaly mhy work has seemed like such a drag lately. Here I am with no choice stuck doing things I don't really care for, all the while it takes me away from things that I feel I should be doing with my life. Its not just the specialty, in fact this is one of the more palatable specialties I can stomach going through training for.. Its the whole "doctoring" thing. Sometimes I can't help but feel that everything has been one big mistake, which started out with a simple and, looking retrospectively, arrogant decision to pursue a career in Medicine.. Am I burned out? Most probably yes.. But hte thing is, I'm already in this so deep that there's no turning back already. I guess I'll just have to stomach the remaining year or so, after which I can be free to do my own thing..

Doomed again..

I'm really stressed out right now, and blogging seems to be my only respite..

I'm going to be having a big-ass case presentation and I'm still not ready.. It sucks that it has to be this way.. I even earned the ire of one of my favorite consultants as he is supposed to be my moderator for tomorrow and was pretty pissed when he learned that I wasn't ready.. :(

Not that I'm making excuses, as this topic has been given to me roughly a month ago.. right smack in the middle of a toxic rotation just before christmas break while people were making all theses christmas party preparations and stuff.. It was really rough getting anything academic done during that great time of the year. What fool would waste 6 days of hard-earned freedom to do more things that remind him of what he's broken free from? Coming back after vacaton was no different, since we had every-other day duty for 6 days, 7 for me since I had to make an additional slide to get into my regular schedule.. after the dust finally settled, I was only left with 4 complete days with which I could actually throw something together and make good of myself.. Or I might make a fool out of myself tomorrow... :(

Oh, another thing to amp up the degree of difficulty.. I'm among the three lucky fellows assigned on ward detail fr half the month, managing a ward that was meant for 5 fellows to operate in, since the seniors assigned to the wards are both involved in the goddamn interhospital presentation and cannot be disturbed from their work..

Sigh.. Its all just so frustrating, and you cant really do anything about it.. :( Add a few not-so-friendly coworkers and you have the perfect recipe for disaster. The fun won't end after the presentation. Aart from the expected fallout from putting on a poor showing, I will have to deal with the stresses of being the ABG reader for the next 10 days, as well as preparing my research protocol for a possuble presentation this coming February..

Fellowship is supposed to be a bit lighter, but so far, it has been a not-stop whirlwind of stuff to do (including wasteful tiring things like Christmas Party dance practices, putting together decorations, and other totally creative wastes of time.) I just wanna have some free time to rest and do my own shit and hang out with the people Itruly care about, and not have to force myself to sit in and stay together with a bunch of people who don't really give a damn about me or the stuff I like anyway..

I miss my MROD days.. True, things were much toxic physically then, but it didn't really take away too much from your psyche.. I guess that's the problem with these more "intellectual" institutions where the people tend to expect so much more from you.. You think I'd have learned my lesson already ever since that Neurology debacle a few years back..

Oh well, no use bellyaching abot it now.. Have to go and drag myself back to working on this stupid topic, Hopefully I can make it through relatively unscathed.. Hopefully, but I honestly won't be holding my breath..

2015 Yearender

Wow, I'm actually making a yearender post ON TIME! :P

This has been a great year, with its own ups and downs, all of which made they year so much more unique. :D

It has been a year of tremendous change for me, starting with my graduation from Internal Medicine, to passing the PSBIM, to starting first year anew as a fellow in subspecialty training. :)

Of course, there's also the small matter of finally finding my Other Half, which may have drastically changed my life forever. ;)

This has also been a year of loss, with an uncle passing away recently after a prolonged battle with cancer..

Before the post goes all over the place, I'd like to break everything down into little bite-sized chunks as I am apt to do...

- Fist of all, many thanks to the Great One upstairs who has always been there for me, my family, my friends, and pretty much everyone else in this world. We have to remember that it is only through Him and His holy will that everything  that is has come to pass.

- A big thank you to my wonderful folks and bro who were always there for me regardless of how stuff went. Thank you for putting up with me, being the rascal hat I am. :P I love you! :D

- I would also have to give thanks to my new mentors who teach us fellows day in and day out the nuances of the subspecialty we chose to pursue. Thank you for all the patience you show, and all the learnings we get from you.

- Also worthy of being mentioned here are my former bosses from the old hospital whom I see from time to time when they make their rounds. Its always nice to see a friendly face, or hear a friendly voice through the phone. :)

- Thank you to my new co-fellows at the hospital. We've had about less than a year to get to know each other, and the seniors are graduating in 3 months. Thank you for all that I've learned from all of you, whether it be senior or batchmate. For my batchmates, let's make our final year a memorable one! Good luck everyone!

- Special mention goes to our Chief Fellow. Thank you boss, for making us feel at home and comfortable in the new and sometimes daunting environment of a national specialty hospital. You've always acted so kindly towards us, and acts as a protective big brother who takes care of everyone. Good luck with your exams boss! Kayang-kaya mo yan!

- Thank you to the nursing and support staff at the new hospital. Thank you for making us feel welcome and for embracing us as a part of the family.  We doctors would not be able to do the things we do if you were not there beside us, accompanying us along the way

- To our patients, especially those in the service ward or OPD. Thank you for entrusting yourselves to our care. We learn much from you as we treat you and monitor your progress day by day. It warms my heart when we are able to send you home safe and sound, but we are also saddened for those who are unable to make it.

- Lastly, to my precious Other Half.. We've come such a long way already from our humble beginnings, and look where we stand now.. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually meet someone like you.. Yeah, in the past, to me you were just a concept, an abstract ideal which I thought would never come to pass.. But now here you are.. someone who gets me from even a very fundamental level.. :) Thank you for everything, and I'm looking forward to more great things to come :D

At the ER

It's time for another rotation at the Emergency Room, the rotation I like the least.. :( at least now the end seems to be in sight, with only roughly 20 ER duties to go before I will be totally rid of this forever..

It's really a struggle to get up and go to work day in and day out, especially if you feel that you've made some crappy life decisions along the way.. Makes me kinda wish I could turn back time and steer my life in a completely different direction.. Make no mistake, there have been blessings that came my way as well, but all the trauma and hardships I've been through seems to trump it all, and in the end there's just no contest..

I guess what I want to say is that I'm sick of having to worry about everything and that it would be nice to have nothing to worry about for a change...