Two Years

 Wow.. just wow...

 A LOT can definitely happen in a couple of years. Numerous life-defining and life-altering events can take place, and I find myself in a totally unrecognizable environment from where I was once before.

 After all that time though, I realized only very recently that I have already strayed so far from what i felt would define me. (vague, I know, but just hear me out until the end) As I write this, I realize this would soon devolve into a stream of consciousness entry, but so be it. I haven't written anything in such a long time that I welcome any sort of mental catharsis as far as my writing is concerned..

I presently find myself having settled into a routine which is pretty much a byproduct of the times, which involves a lot of mindless scrolling and a sharp decline in creative original output. I'm not talking about content creation in the contemporary sense, but its more of making your own thing (like this blog) purely for the sake of doing it, as opposed to the common trend of monetizing everything for profit.

Man, I really miss this. I realize that my skills have gotten a bit rusty, and I'm kinda struggling to get back in the saddle, but I wouldn't trade this for the world. Using an "ergonomic" keyboard isn't helping much though, since I'm not really a touch typist, so using the keyboard one-handed offers a very different experience that what this thing is originally designed for. But hey, its wireless, and its free :P

I'm at a loss on what I should write about. I'm torn about censoring some things and sharing about others, but I guess a good place to start would be how things are right now.

Safe to say that I find myself once again in the thick of things in my practice. Downtimes are now few and far in between, and the census has thankfully been consistent and rising. This comes as a great relief, as I was aiming for stability for the longest time,and would hopefully be settling in for the long run.

There were a lot of missed opportunities, most of which I had turned down for one reason or another, usually because something felt "off" or "didn't feel right". The term "gut feel" comes to mind, as I found myself uneasy at times with regards to the options I eventually turned down despite the potentially high returns. I guess that's the difficulty with finding work that you would find meaningful for yourself.

I guess I need to goal-set and clearly define what I would like to do with my career, a kind of career wishlist if you will.

-  I would love the opportunity to teach trainees. I'm not talking about big classroom sessions in medical school as I don't think I have what it takes to be a traditional academician. I mean, I tried my hand at that pre-pandemic, and found the experience underwhelming and unfulfilling, though I guess it was the fact that I was lecturing to a classroom filled with foreigners, half of which are clearly inattentive and are only after the medical degree for status advancement as opposed to actual altruistic goals of helping the sick. Those students are the worst. You can spot them a mile away, slacking around at the back without paying any attention. All good though, as I get paid regardless whether they actually learn something or not. The most important thing is that my conscience is clear because I had already given an earnest effort to imppart what I know. It is up to each individual student if they would out in the work to actually study.

Instead, I want to teach/mentor the young would-be colleagues like residents and fellows on the finer points of the specialization. I am more fond of the more intimate setting where I can teach informally without being judged by the entire student body. I realize that I teach more effectively when I impart from my personal experiences in managing patients. The informal approach seems to allow for more recall and creativity. An ideal scenario would be to return to my old hunting grounds during residency, as I wish to pay forward having been taught as a trainee once before.

2) A paid staff position was in the books for several opportunities, but was never really substantiated, as the ever-shifting landscape and dynamics of life found me having mismatched opportunities and current responsibilities.. oh and there's gut feel also. The question remains: Am I still interested in a paid position (preferably government)?

I guess it all boils down to the responsibilities the job would entail, and who would be the personalities behind the leadership. I know it seems I'm just being picky and cowardly, and you might be right to some degree, but I trust my gut feel with things like this, and was a little bit too paranoid so I had already worked out inside my head what the possible consequences would be should I dive headfirst into this unknown or unstable territory. Certain jobs tend to expect you to be all give but no take, and it's this type on unfairness that I seek to avoid. In fact, some jobs seem like they reward hard work with more work. This often ends up stifling creativity as you're afraid to trigger an avalanche of ideas from the higher ups, which would require you to act on them.

 So yeah, I guess I am going to be stopping for now to attend to real life, but I will be back soon with more stories.