It it presently a little over two months before I approach another great hurdle, and there's still tons to be done..
Training ended more than a month ago, and I realize that I have been mucking around too much..
I will make this brief then. Just a little something to help me get used to typing stuff again and to jumpstart my mind..
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I had this moment of introspection as I was taking a shower a while ago. First, I realized I have not been taking care of myself as well as I should have. A prime example would be putting off bath time just because I wasn't going out. It may not seem like much, but he uncomfortable feeling you get when you haven't cleaned yourself was already weighing on me, and I just didn't realize it yet. I have also been spending way too much time doing a host of mundane things, but these are things that do not add value to myself and instead burns up precious time.. I realize I had been fooling myself that I was accomplishing things, but in reality I was just straying from my goal by procrastinating.
I know that it sounds like such a cliché thing to say nowadays, but I guess I needed to get into a bit of mindfulness to help myself get through whatever this funk is. Looking up the definition, I came across this:
- 1.the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something."their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
- 2.a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
I guess its a way of meditating? Of pausing and looking into yourself to see and acknowledge what you are feeling, in order to be more comfortable with who you are and what you need to do. It may seem like a lot of psychiatric mumbo-jumbo, but it makes perfect sense.
I now realize that I have been procrastinating all this time because I was afraid. Afraid of failing, of doing poorly, of not finishing my goal.. But this begs the question, why aren't you doing it then?
Depression can sometimes strike without warning. One day you may be "feeling" fine, but the next day you find yourself suddenly crippled with apathy and anhedonia. I read a statement yesterday (don't remember source, sorry) that depression may be a symptom of what lies beneath. For me, the underlying problem is the uncertainty about the future. About how things will play out during the boards, and I have to admit that I'm a bit anxious about resuming practice after having been out of the game for so long..
Now that I have identified the problems and issues though, I find myself strangely refreshed and ready to tackle all these things head-on. I'm gonna wrap up this pesky study and finish all of them bothersome requirements so I can really study in peace, and I have no intention of letting my bad Soc Med habits get out of the way. I have done it before, and I sure a heck will be able to do it again.
That's all for this entry. I still have a paper to write, which I predict that I will successful finish by tonight. Let's do this! 💪
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