The good old OMTI days..

While snooping around online, I came across the Multiply site of the recently-graduated OMTI 2009-2010. Seeing the OMTI logo (with it's new modern look) and all those postings about seminars, their grad ball, batch shirt, etc, takes me way back to what I would call the "happiest year of my life".. :D

I can't help but feel pretty nostalgic about that year (besides the fact that it was the year I met my sweet inspiration, but that's totally beside the point). I consider it a coming-out of sorts for me. It was the first time I ever had the guts to run for a position (which I was able to win, and I think I did a pretty good job as well :P). It was kinda like a farewell to the shy and scared kid which used to be me. That year opened my eyes to a world of whole new possibilities. As a student organization, OMTI didn't really do much annually, especially given the situation of orgs in UST, but I believe we were able to make the most of what we had/were allowed to do and create a very memorable year for us all.  

It was really exciting from the very beginning. I believe it was the first time in so many years that two full parties were actually going head-to-head for leadership of the organization. Competition was stiff, and most positions were decided with the slimmest of margins (including mine). In the end, our party pulled through, and with the addition of Steph from the other party as our Secretary, we were all set to make waves.. :D

I remember it like it was yesterday, when I was typing our names for the letterhead we were going to have made:

UST Organization of Medical Technology Interns 2002-2003

Officers

Ruby S. Garcia - President

Juan Paolo M. Bautista - External Vice President

Lily Lyralin DL. Laconico - Internal Vice President

Stephanie U. Sy - Secretary

Brian Nelson M. Ong - Asst. Secretary

Ritchelle G. Sagun - Treasurer

Jhonas D. Galanida - Asst. Treasurer

Rekjavik S. Ramirez - Public Relations Officer

Clarito G. Demaala III - Auditor

As far as I ca recall, almost all of us were neophytes to student government, but we didn't care! We were there to make noise which resonated far and wide even after we had left college. Just ask our adviser Mam Villar :D

Our jobs seemed pretty mundane. Basically we were to keep the batch together and facilitate the weekly "seminars" we have during Tuesdays at UST. This usually means preparing for the symposium of the month, running paperworks and having them signed by the proper people. Reserving and setting up the venues, contacting resource speakers, etc.. But there were other stuff too.. We had the batch shirt (which turned out really great! Kudos to RJ for making it happen!), our participation in the Faculty of Pharmacy week (including the sportsfest), our weird-ass float made with gelatin for the MedTech week parade, setting up the phlebotomy workshop for the juniors, the shooting of the grad ball video, and our coup de grace, the gradball itself! :D Sigh.. those were good times.. :D

That was really one year that I could say  was extremely proud of. I  was clicking on all cylinders, balancing hospital work with the additional demands of the organization. I learned how to socialize more, and as a result encountered and befriended an whole ton of new and interesting people who comprised our batch. :D

I guess that's all for now.. It's getting kinda late already.. :P

CGH Memories…

Looking through my files to delete clutter, I came across this blog entry that never made it to the presses and was apparently written during one of those days when I was feeling really "angry" and "militant", seemingly agitated by what someone had said to me earlier... :P Here goes...

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Quite a number of people have asked me why I remained loyal to CGH, the hospital where I had my postgraduate internship, especially those people who opted to remain at UST who sometimes sneer sarcastically when asking whether I liked it there. (Bato-bato sa langit, ang matamaan wag magagalit, ang pikon ay laging talo.. Besides, kayo naman ang nagaantagonize sakin eh. ;P)

The answer is quite simple really. I loved it there, and having come from the very hierarchical internal community of UST, it was like a breath of fresh air. Make no mistake, working there wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. For a private hospital, the patient load there is just insane, especially in Obstetrics. Hehehe The hospital itself wasn’t small either, and presented a lot of ground to cover. Although some people may contend that they had a tough time in UST with it’s endless warrens of narrow corridors that you need to navigate to reach patients’ rooms, try being on duty at CGH while in charge of two separate buildings!

Why then, did we like it there despite the toxicity and the obvious physical burden? I guess mainly because of the friendlier and less hostile atmosphere. I’m not just talking about the way residents treated interns, but the general interaction of everyone in the hospital as a whole. Doctors (including interns) and nurses generally get along really well. Consultants don’t treat underlings like dirt, and senior residents generally don’t treat their juniors like neophytes. Even the interaction with the other members of the hospital staff (like the guards, manongs, etc..) are generally favorable. It’s a more relaxed, friendly atmosphere which facilitates better cooperation between health care providers. In short, the system makes you feel that you’re an important part of something, and doesn’t kick you in the shins and forces you to eat dirt. :P

People may contend that staying at UST is better, as you are more exposed to the academic side of things. I don’t dispute the fact that you may have the opportunity to learn more. However, having my internship “outside” gave me a glimpse of how a “real” hospital works, away from the academe and away from all the politicking and shaming of underlings, and I found that it was quite efficient! I was really impressed with the way things were handled there. The consultants may not be academics, but they were damn good at their jobs! A sick person was able to go home healthy, with less financial strain (since I understand that CGH has relatively lower prices). It was that simple. Isn’t that what physicians were meant to do? To heal the sick and ailing? ;)

In CGH we also experienced unparalleled generosity from our consultants. Our summer outing to Batangas was sponsored by solicitations from the various consultants and departments. There was one time when the monthly allowance for the residents and interns was really late. The chairwoman of the Department of Pediatrics used the department’s fund to pay the Pedia residents and interns while we were still waiting for our delayed stipend. We had to pay it back when the money eventually came out of course, but still, the idea that she would go out of her way to do that to make sure her people were getting paid struck a chord in the hearts of many.

We also have our share of “nasty” consultants, but they were the exception rather than the rule (unlike some other places where it’s the other way around :D).

Its just too bad that a few people from our batch were always sourgraping and whining so much about what they didn’t like about the hospital that word spread throughout UST that CGH wasn’t an “ok” place to go (despite the consensus of the majority who loved the place). The end result was that in the following year the hospital got only a handful of applicants from UST, which is really sad because CGH used to be labeled as a “2^nd UST”, due to the fact that it was traditionally filled to the brim by interns from UST. Even the nurses lamented this fact, and some have even told me that they missed the good old UST days, when everything would be running smoother.. I don’t exactly know what they meant with the statement, but I was really honored by it. ;)

Let me make this clear. I don’t hate UST. I studied there and done my share of work there as well. In fact, I’m extremely proud to be a Thomasian doctor. I’m just deeply saddened that it could be so much more, but the system is so firmly entrenched that it’s impossible to change it for the better.. L Its so sad that instead of opting to have internship at the alma mater, people are fleeing to other hospitals to escape the apparently stifling system. I can’t really describe why we feel so uncomfortable about it. As one of my co-interns put it, the moment she set foot upon UST hospital, it was like the air was different, stress levels shot up, and a general feeling of gloom was prevalent. Or maybe we’re just used to a happier place.. ;) Oh well… *sigh*

Spontaneity

It's 1:30am and my head hurts. Just finished printing out my poor excuse for a research protocol, and my brain is calling out for a little release.

I've been posting these really negative blog entries as of late. Sometimes even I get a little surprised to see what I wrote down just a few hours or days ago.. It's as though a totally different person was doing the writing and I was just transcribing for him..

I feel as though my life is a wildly swinging pendulum, and it's really been a roller-coaster ride of emotions.. Right now I'm at a part of deep lows, and just a bunch of plateaus. Haven't really encountered anything that would take me high and make me celebrate though.. It's pretty much the same old thing day in and day out..

Here We Go Again

*As usual, this entry was written while at the OPD.. 

It's Monday after Holy Week, and once again, I'm here at the OPD left alone to process my thoughts, feed my insecurities, and tickle my imagination.

I just came from a restful (?) break from Holy Week, which I dreaded somewhat because in my experience, any taste of normalcy in my life today is bound to to have serious repercussions the moment I head back to the hospital and face the surreal situation we live day in and day out.

I had the pleasure of running into an old friend/grade school classmate last duty. We chatted for a bit at his room, catching up on the latest news and reminiscing about old times. While in te midst of swapping stories, I realized that there's really a much bigger world out there for everyone to see. I've been too caught up in my "three-day cycle" that I think I've already forgotten how life is on the outside.

After coming home from an exhausting duty yesterday, I went to see my sweet inspiration, since it was our anniversary.. We had a very filling lunch at Sbarro's and basicaly enjoyed each other's company while strolling at the mall before I took her home.

Like I said, a little taste of normalcy is very dangerous, and I got up this morning pretty much feeling like crap. That hasn't changed in the 2 1/2 hours I've already spent here this morning.

My thoughts drift away to what alternatives I may do with my life should I decide to carve out a new path before it's too late..There's really no hard and fast rule in life that says you have to rigidly live it one way or another. All my life, it's always been about stability, about doing the same safe repetitive thing over and over. My motto was "if it ain't broke, don't change it". I'm kinda realizing now that its exactly that kind of mentality that's been leaving me broken in so many different places. It's this unusually prominent lack of flexibility that's been stopping me from growing and being able to experience life to the fullest...

At present, I'm starting to seriously consider a whole bunch of alternatives. Options which may not seem too glamorous, but are pretty much viable. Thing is, I never really desired greatness. I have no grand plans of eventually becoming the head of the society of so-and-so, or eventually being appointed medical director, chief of section or whatever nonsense.. I just want to be HAPPY.. earning enough money on the side to support a family that I can raise to be good and God-fearing. I guess I'm afraid to let people down, because so many people have such unreasonably high expectations of me.. stuff that I never really expected of myself..

There are really times when I'm not proud, maybe even ashamed of my MD... :( Mainly because of the expectations and hardship those two letters symbolize.. which isn't really fair on us doctors...

I wish I could reinvent myself, to be able to live a life that's truly worth living.. I have oftentimes questioned what drove me to be a doctor in the first place. As far as I can recall I have no overwhelming desire to "serve the poor", "help the sick", or any other idealistic bullshit that people cook up.. I guess I was in it for the challenge, because it was something I knew I COULD do (not necessarily meaning I'd be happy doing it, but I didn't realize it at the time.)..

Someone once said that you'd have to be nuts to really be passionate about being a doctor, and looking at some of the people I've encountered, that really isn't far from the truth..

Sigh.. I wish Auntie Doctora was still alive.. although I know she'd just rebuke me and tell me to just suck it up and bear it.. but the problem remains that I don't think I'm happy anymore.. I have often envied those guys on the Discovery Chanel, doing fascinating stuff that they love while travelling around the world learning about stuff they're really passionate about. I have to admit that I'm only hanging on by a very thin thread right now. It's so hard that all sorts of wild and wonderful alternative careers come to mind.

If I would be able to raise a little money, I'd probably start my own business, a little something on the side because I know deep down that I wont be making oodles of money as a doctor.. at least not within the first 10 years of finally becoming a consultant.. It's just too freaking long...

Everyone talks about making sacrifices, well I'm really sick of it.. It seems as though my life has been one big sacrifice.. I seriously need a fresh start, or a fresh outlook, although I'd very much prefer the former.. My thoughts currently swirl around the prospect of getting a brand new start in life (while I'm still relatively young). I feel as though I've (unknowingly) deprived myself of so many things (albeit indirectly) by the choices I've made in life..

I think I need a counselor.. Or a psychiatric consult..

Dysthymic

The following entry was written on Monday, March 29, 2010 at around 11am

*This entry is being written by hand at the CSMC out-patient department (after work of course!). Seeing as I often miserably fail whenever I try to make an honest attempt to blog something down when I'm in front of the computer. I decided it would be better if I jotted stuff down as inspiration would hit me. Hmm.. maybe I should bet me one of those fancy-ass Moleskine notebooks so I'd also look sophisticated at the same time..

I really miss my creative writing in general. I really should be studying for a quiz right now, but the resource I printed out has a font that's too small. It's such a chore reading it that I've given up on it altogether.

So now I'm here, alone with my thoughts, with a pen in hand an a piece of paper to bear witness to all my innermost musings..

I almost decided not to go to the hospital today. Either that, or I would have came in really late, seeing as I won't really be doing anything productive for about half a day (since or OPD days are pretty light). As my luck would have it, fate decided things for me and threw a monkey wrench into my plans, thus here I am..

I'm getting really sick and tired of the three-day cycle my life presently revolves around. It's bad enough that you have to go to work everyday and put up with the various personalities involved, but toss in going on duty every three days, and your life is pretty much messed up, especially for someone who's starting to have second thoughts about everything he has ever believed in..

I'll be the first to admit that I tend to procrastinate a lot, especially if I'm on my own time, and I don't really like what I'm supposed to do. It just gets a little frustrating at times when you wake up and realize that the life you're living at present isn't really what you envisioned it to be when you first signed up.. I guess you can't always expect life to go the way you THINK it should.. sigh..

I can't help but wonder "What if I had been less arrogant?", or "What if I hadn't been so stubborn in wanting to prove myself just to prove a goddamn point?". In hindsight, my life could have been so much simpler. Not necessarily easier ('coz everyone needs to work for what they have), but simpler. In fact, that's just about all I want out of life: Simplicity with a generous measure of peace and quiet..

I figure my main problem stems from the fact that I want to do a great many other things with my life at present, but am severely restricted by the rigors of residency. As a result, I'm developing a resistance of sorts. If I were ever an intellectually hungry eager-beaver who had an earnest passion to learn, that person has long gone, and is now replaced by a very cynical and disgruntled individual who isn't really happy about the crap he's in right now. Yesterday, I went to pick up my sweet inspiration from her hospital. We had breakfast together at a nearby McDonald's and I then took her home. It's been ages since we've last last been able to go on a proper date, since the demands of our medical training forced us to adapt, or fail miserably while trying..

I never thought I'd reach this really low point: already in the midst of finally getting started with training, but at the same time wanting to turn back with every step I take.I know it's a little too late to turn tail and start a new life (although I terribly wish that I could), Never mind the shame that apparently comes with changing directions. For me, those people are the real heroes: unafraid to change course as needed, and smart enough to know what they really want out of life. All this time, I've been driven by an unseen force to give a good effort to get into a good program to train.. but now what? I feel as though whatever impetus which has been driving me has left me out to dry.. I feel a little abandoned, and trapped in something I'm unable to reverse.. I guess this is what it feels when they say you've already squandered your life away (although I'm not even half done with it yet..).