Last Day Off

I went on an involuntary hiatus of sorts, since it wasn't really totally up to me. I was experiencing a kind of situation, you see..

..and I certainly hope the image obviates the need for any further uncomfortable explanations..

Still, there wasn't really much free time to go around in order for me (supposedly) get stuff done whilst I'm away from the constricting tendrils of the beloved hospital, as the past two days found me shuttling between desperately trying to keep myself hydrated and going on regular trips to the loo to undo what I had just attempted minutes ago..

Yes it was a pretty sad situation, and it would have made things much worse since it was the middle of the week which mean nobody would be home pretty much the entire day. Luckily, brother was around since he was on his 8 days of "forced" leave. (I'm astounded by these companies who jam leaves down their employees throats if they are unable to consume them within the year.. but I digress)

The fact that I DID have some time was not lost on me though, and I tried to make the most of this pair of days by unwinding a bit (when I wasn't shivering with fever or passed out from dehydration).

A few days ago, I had the good fortune of being able to drop by the local bookstore and snapped up a copy of one of these..

Ain't it just peachy keen? :P

I haven't read Archie for the longest time. In fact, it think the last time I picked up an Archie comic and reas it was sometime during 1st year medical school, or even earlier..

Reading through it was such a total hoot! Especially since it was my preferred bathroom reading during my youth (hehe). Aside from samples of stories from every decade that Archie has been in existence, it also featured commentaries from people within the Archie company, as well as various names in the comic book business, with luminaries such as Stan Lee lending their pens to scribble a few of their fondest Archie memories and stories, which are then featured in the book.

Brother also brought me a little surprise the other day which I only got around to reading just now..

Another chapter to the story of the Sixth child of the Sixth child..

Yup, it's the 5th installment to the Trese series of graphic novels that I have been collecting. I won't leave spoilers here as its a fairly new book, but suffice to say that I didn't think I saw that one coming. The plot is now getting thicker, and I can't wait for the guys to churn out the next issue.. yes, it's THAT good. :D

Dang, it's time to get some shuteye already? Dammit, I know this being sidelined by diarrhea was too good to last.. (huh? :P). Until next time then.

On Loving Someone..

This is a pretty touchy topic, especially for me. However, having the luxury of a little free time for a little free thought brings about various topics that need to be written about while one still as the time.

For those of you who know me, let me put it simply.. Yes, there is something wrong, and I won't elaborate further and I'll just leave things at that.

It's just so exasperating.. my folks always said that a relationship should always be a give and take.. how come I always feel like I'm losing out?..

On second thought, I'm not comfortable discussing this at all. Oh wel..

Injured

Stuck at home with a badly swollen sole which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to ambulate freely..

Not that I'm not grateful for the chance to recuperate. :P Plus there is still paperwork to be done. Boo.

Life has gone by in such a blur. One moment I've hit rock bottom, with my only saying grace being granted an opportunity to have IM residency at a relatively unknown hospital. Next thing I know, I'm finally moving up, at the cusp of being promoted to second year with pre-residents under my guidance and command..

Life really has a strange way of turning things around unexpectedly.

Now that I have a chance to take a short breather and reflect, I'm really grateful for all the wonderful things and great opportunities that came my way this year. It was not without its ups and downs, but for the most part, this year has been pretty solid for me, one of the few positive ones I've had in recent times.

Hating on Mondays

I'm not really fond of Mondays..

Now that the present workload has gotten a lot heavier as a result of transitioning before eventually moving up, I hate it even mre.

Especially when I'm coming from the relative calm of a weekend off.

Taking stock of my present situation now, I don't think it can get any worse, but believe me, it will.. sigh.. :(

I just wish we had a lot more helping hands..

When I first signed up for this mess, I thought everything would be smooth sailing for the most part.

But then they started dropping out like flies.

One was let go because he was absolutely incompetent, the other two am not too sure, but one of the two has a terrible attitude problem.

Thing is, why bother getting residents of that quality when you'll just kick them out eventually?

Anyway, I digress.. Monday is really such a chore..

Fed Up

I didn't go to work today.

I'm so fed up with all the crap I deal with at the hospital that I really had to just get away.

It wasn't always like this.. About a year ago, I was introduced to this medium-sized hospital that gave public service and had an IM deparment that I thought was worth a damn.. I eventually became a part of them, and worked really hard to do my part and my share of the work.

It was actually fun for a while. I was learning a lot interacting with my own patients, making them well, and seeing them through to their eventual release from the hospital.

I was trained in doing various procedures and other interventions that may have seemed to be less than ideal, but given the situtaion the hospital and patients were in, wasn't really half-bad. I learned how to compromise, to work with a limited armamentarium just to help someone get well. Heck, I even had ample time to study, which was a new thing for me since the places I've been to before didn't really cut much slack.

But then things started to get weird, then nasty.

The seniors started to begin behaving erratically, although I'm not sure if that was really their character from before. New boneheaded policies were being instituted left and right. Ample time to do work was being cut down bit by painful bit. They demand results, but give you very little time to achieve it. Eventually 3 of our number left, making the individual workloads much more heavier. Then they start piling up more shit on us. I'm very resentful whenever they speak of "during our time, we were able to do this and that..", because when I asked people who have been around longer, the old hospital (we're currently working in a newer, larger facility) had roughly half the number of patients as compared to the present. So what may have seemed to be ample time for them in those days is just a laughable tick of the clock when you take the present patient load into consideration.

The thing that pisses me off the most are the policies governing the payward. t was bad enough that the responsibilities of handling the payward was turned over to us (when traditionally it wasn't).

They're actually a strange group.. One hides behind the excuse that she's pregnant to start bitching all over the place (especially to me, and I really have no idea what I did to deserve such treatment). You have another one who is chronically angry and gets ticked off at the slightest sneeze. Another one who seems to have a very unstable personality and is able to lash very-much uncalled for personal attacks at the same time seeming very calm (kind of like the Joker) who also likes to converse in some strange baby-talk which seems unbefitting of a senior (or even of a grown adult), and another one who seems very understanding and kind but is really just like the rest of them when you turn your backs. When they all get together, that's when they are at their worst. They also love to suck up to the consultants build themselves up at the same time making every one else look bad. The speak of leaving after the year ends yet some want to stay behind in a fit of self-righteousness to "lead the hopeless residents who will be left behind". The leadership is really a kind of a joke. I'm sick of being compliant and blindly obedient. I don't have something to believe in or something to rally behind...

It's almost September, and their time with us is almost up. But the damage has been done. As they try to make things more and more complicated, people began screwing up, making things worse and worse. It's a viscious cycle, and only they have the power to break it, but they won't.. Such a waste.. I thought that my stay in this hospital would be better than the rest.. I guess that's what happens when you have a purely female leadership.. No offense to the ladies reading this blog ha?

I guess that's all for now. I'll see if I can muster up enough "angry" to post another scathing review

The more things change, the more they remain the same..

After having been gone for quite a while from the wonderful pages of Blogger when I migrated to Multiply, I find myself going back to the comforts of Blogspot, where Organized Chaos really began. (mostly due to the fact that Multiply has announced that it will be getting rid of personal content and will move towards being an online shopping mall or something to that effect. Boo Commercialism!)

I was initially hesistant to put up an entry before I was able to find away to transfer all my previous entries from multiply as I feared that any notes put up would be buried underneath all the "new" content from the other side, but what the hell. Since this is something akin to starting the blog all over again, I guess this little note deserves its place as the first one anyway.

All of a sudden, my mind draws up a blank.. Its pretty disappointing really, what with all the stuff that's been going on in my life.. I guess I'll put up a better entry in the following days, when things get a bit calmer..

Or maybe I might write a separate entry immediately after this.. who knows.. :P

Moving house...

Just when I was about to get back on my writing...

Multiply announces that it will be removing all the social networking content, including the blogs..

Oh great...

Ah, well, there's always the alternative of moving someplace else.. ironically a site which I left to move to Multiply a few years before..

Organized Chaos will live on.. again, at http://brainaixmd.blogspot.com

Hope to see you guys there! I have so much more stories to tell.. ;)

*now the only issue that remains is how the heck will I be able to export all my content from this site back to Blogger..

Independente

Feels like a weekend...

but it's not.. :P

It's actually a Tuesday, June 12,2012, and today is the Philippine independence day.

Proudly Pinoy?

Having some rare time off, I now sit my ass in front of the computer to once again attempt to piece together all that has transpired in the past few months..

Or I may just cut things short and talking about what's happening in the here and now..

I'm (finally) in the middle of my 6th month of IM residency. Anything hereon in is going to be unfamiliar territory for me, as I have finally breached the half year mark and am on my merry way towards second year (at last!). :P

It seems as though I've found someplace where I could work contentedly. I'm reluctant to use the term "fit in" because honestly, I feel that I sometimes stick out like a sore thumb among the people I work with.. I won't elaborate further on this statement, so we will now move on.. :P

People who have known me from before and have seen me lately wonder why I look so haggard, whereas in the past I have allegedly always seemed so fresh and cheery (really?). I guess I have only one response to that.. Why don't you try going on 24-hour duty as an IM resident for half a year or so and let's see how good that makes you feel??

My present state of mental health is at question too, as I find my self more and more irritated at the people around me. It's not that I don't like the work, it's just that I' not too fond of it either. :P Being a resident is never fun and games. It gets interesting at times, but it becomes more of a burden as the work begins to pile up.. and sometimes no matter ow hard you try, or how dedicated you try to present yourself, or how often you get up early, it gets discouraging when the people around you don't do the same.. :(

How I wish I could make a retrospective entry which does not qualify for the "bad trip" tag..

Although I have a few reasons to smile as well..

- went out with sweet inspiration today. It was just a short date. A quick lunch and some much needed talk time, but it was quality time well-spent.:D

- I'm finally able to sit and blog at length for the first time in months! Even now, I can feel the stress sapping away and draining outwards into the wasteland of the internet.. :P

- I'm motivated to study again! Not just because I need to, but because I WANT to. There's a really big difference between the two, you know. ;)

- I know it was mentioned earlier, but I'M FINALLY NEARING SECOND YEAR!! One of my chief resident's favorite encouraging statements is that "I'n a few months, you'll be having pre-residents under you!". That thought in itself evokes a warm glow and a sense of achievement, something I have not felt in a long time.. I hope and pray that everything will go well..

That's all for now. Time to study in earnest (and to keep my downloads in check :P) See you in the next episode! :P

Temporary Respite

Having been granted the rare luxury of a little bit of free time while here at work, I sat down with the intent of putting an entry down to catch up on all the backlog I may have incurred for some time.

I just realized that it's already been around 5 months since I resumed working at a hospital and roughly 4 months since I took on the full responsibilities of a medical resident..

It feels a little strange looking back like this. Although I had always know that I would go back and finish training, recent events including my non-acceptance to the TMC Neurology program left me in limbo for quite a while. I guess I'm really blessed that Im' back on my feet once again, trying to do my best at the only thing I may be good at. being a doctor..

I guess I find it strange because at one point, I never thought I would be back in the hospital. I had technically committed carrer suicide, having already backed out from two reputable training programs. AFter failing to return to Neurology, I was concerned that no one in their right mind would take me in to train.. Fortunately, He had other plans in store..

I'll give a brief overview of my life thus far..

Obviously, you have the neverending cycle of pre-duty-from, which is expected to continue for the next two and a half years.. :P

On the outside, things have pretty much remained the same. A resident's life is never easy, especially if you go into one of the more challenging disciplines like Internal Medicine. Despite this, I can't help that things will turn out a bit differently this time around..

Like I've previously mentioned, I'm presently knee-deep in the thick of things, having gone further than in any other program that I was fortunate enough to have been a part of. There will always be comparison, how certain things are done in this hospital or that, how easier or harder it is to do things, and what stuff each place needs to improve to get better.

Bottom line is, the "Perfect Program" doesn't exist. It just depends on your personal preferences and what you'll be able to stomach for the next few years just to attain your diplomate status.

At least I'm happy to say that things have been going relatively well thus far.. Now that I'm nearing the halfway point, the so-called "point of no return", I find myself a little excited.. In just a matter of a few more months, I will finally be able to taste how it is to have juniors under me. Sure, it will come with more responsibilities as you assume the roles incumbent to a higher year level, but the novelty amuses me, plus the fact that despite all my "experience" jumping from place to place, "Second Year" is something that has proven elusive to me for some time.

I just hope that my batchmates would be able to keep things together..

I guess I owe the couple of persons I mentioned in an earlier post an apology. I was probably too set in my own ways to realize that good points of the others, and was too closed-minded to see that "thinking like a senior" is not always appropriate when dealing with people who are supposed to be your "batchmates".

I guess I always saw myself as an independent player, an outsider who was just always looking in. Now that I've settled down in my place amongst everyone else, the mindset seems to have changed a bit, and "fitting in", although not really essential, may sometimes be necessary in order to function a bit more smoothly. It has been a long time since I was really part of something important, and I'm glad these people have taken me in and now recognize me as one of their own. I should do the same as well, and recognize my "oneness" with them as well.

Though it may seem to be more practical to stand by and just be an outsider and not get affected by absolutely anything, sometimes you have to take a stand if you want to really be a part of something. 

It feels nice to be actually sitting down and writing again. I was too caught up in the hubbub of residency that I feel that I may have forgotten little bits and pieces of myself, aspects of my life which were neglected as I focused on the rat-race that constitutes being a resident of Internal Medicine.

A lot of people are asking me why I left IM in the first place when I now presently find myself seemingly back where I started. That's actually a difficult question to answer, since I had left behind a very solid program in CSMC to foolishly chase after my Neuro dreams, only to turn back and find myself an MROD once again, albeit at a different place with a very different environment and overall feel.

I don't really know where to begin, since I could say that I enjoyed my stay at Cardinal, especially since I left behind friends and fond memories at the hospital. A part of me says that I was not satisfied, another says that I was tired, and yet another says that I just wanted to change things a bit, as people are known to fdo from time to time, seemingly without any clear-cut explanation. My answer would be a combination of all those things, plus the fact that I may have felt that I was being driven (by fate, perhaps?) to find my way into whatever situation I presently am in. THat's just the way the world works, I guess.

It's a little strange.. Even though I have lasted longer than in other programs, I don't feel as drained or fatigued at this point unlike before. I think I may have truly found a place where I belong.. I hope..

Heh, my grammar seems to need a little work. I really need to squeeze in a little more time to do stuff like this just so I could unload my mind and think about things from a differnt perspective. That's the danger of immersing onself too much into one's work. You might get fixated on small details that the rest of your "reality" would just crumble down due to lack of attention..

I have a confession to make, this entry was originally started inside the hospital, but was continued a few days later here amidst the comforts of home.

I wish the internet would come back online. It wouldbe a shame if I was forced to post this from the office PC tomorrow.. That would defeat the purpose of writing an entry leisurely, right? I mean, this message was intended to be published during this writing (5/7/12 2240h)

Oh wow, it's already almost 11, I guess I'd better wrap up, since I'm going on duty again tomorrow.. Sigh.

It's true that the schedule is starting to take it's toll on me, but unlike my previous experiences, it's easier to find reasons to keep on coming back with a fresh perspective and a better outlook. If this keeps up until October 2014, then I'm all set. :D

Speaking of the future, what else is there to look forward to anyway?.. Hmm.. Well, there's the PCP convention that I'll be attending during the next From Duty. I think I'll be meeting a certain someone there as well, which would really make my day (or week, or month, depending on how I would be feeling at the time). :D

Hm.. its 11pm.. Time to hit the sack..

Another one bites the dust

As with any institution, you have your heterogenous mix of residents.. The brilliant goofballs, the eccentric know-it-alls, the overly serious straight-arrows, etc..

I'm here to talk about two types in particular: The toxic slacker, and the hardheaded buffoon.

Bear in mind that, based from my experience working in other institutions, these two types are almost nonexistent in more reputable hospitals because their kind are weeded out early in the selection process.. but I digress..

One of these, after (probably much thought and atonement for his multitude of sins against the departrment) suddenly decides not to show up for work for the past two days, with no attempt to contact the higher ups and cannot be contacted when called.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, although I was quite surprised because I figured he'd be too thick to do something like that and that it would be the training committee who would terminate him.

Oh well, that''s life. Now, onto the next guy..

This other one is apparently the former's best buddy out of all the residents. They share the same strange sense of humor and apparent lack of concern for the gravity of their position as residents in a hospital who are directly responsible for taking care of patients. In other words, they seem to have a telling lack of a sense of responsibility.

This second guy often acts like a total scrooge to his patients, wastes a lot of time doing a lot of nothing, and works terribly slow, as in! :P

And the funny thing is, now that he's pushed to the wall because his buddy is being shown the door, he's venting his frustrations on people who may have rubbed him lightly the wrong way, yours truly included. :P I personally think he's being too much of an overly sensitive primadonna, and to think that he's a guy (or is he?). It's bad enough that we have to cover up for him when something goes wrong, but who the fuck gave him the right to threaten people when his very presence sometimes does more harm than good?

What a total ass. Why he was accepted remains a total mystery. These isolated instances are proof that being book smart isn't everything. You may be able to get high in exams, but if in order to achieve that, you just hide out in the room while the ward implodes outside, there's something very very wrong with you. Even the nurses don't like him because of his lousy attitude.

I was actually reluctant to speak out about this, but even my patience has its limits..

Oh yeah, not to make me seem important or anything, but for both of these jerks (or their patients actually), I did some important instances of ward work that may have actually saved lives when they could not (or did not.. its kinda hard to tell because even though they write so much in the charts, its hard to make sense of it all).

Oh well, it goes with the territory, I guess.. I'll do my best to bring in quality juniors when the next batch of pre-residents come around. I need more competent people to work with! :P

Whew! Niow that that's out of my system, I can resume my regular programming.. :P

Missing someone

It's 11:30 PM here at the hospital. I've just finished off my rounds and should actually be studying but my mind demands a sort of creative release in order to restore balance in my life.. Wow, that's a  lot of seemingly hippie mumbo-jumbo right there man.. :P

I just realized that no matter how comfortable you may get in a particular life situation, being away from the people you care about the most will inevitably leave you emotionally crippled.. Take today for example. It's a Sunday duty. Never mind that I will be away from my family for the nth time on a weekend, but on the way here as I was riding the bus, everything just felt like crap because of the simple reason that I was missing someone terribly. This someone whom I wish I could be together with everyday but am forced to be content with the occasional text message or the even rarer lunch date out before taking that person home.. sigh.. :(

It's of little consolation to know that she is in the same boat as I am. Then again, I guess that's why we were drawn to each other in the first place. Having similar careers, we understand each other and what we have to endure to reach our goals in our professional lives.

With that in mind, I guess what sustains us is the thought that it will all be over soon and we can finally get on with living our lives the way we see fit. Happy and together, and seeing patients on the side. :D

Having brought this up, I often imagine what life would be like when we're finally done with training.. For sure we won't be rich, but hopefully we'll be happy and content with our lives.. 

Resurfacing

Wow! I can't believe I was so inactive for such a long time! It kinda felt like ! was spending the past 3 months underwater, hence the picture. Hehehe:P

Life has become a whirlpool of sorts lately, and I think I'm doing myself a favor by just going with the flow. I seem to have learned that a lot of good things can happen if you just float along and let the tide carry you where it will. I'm quite pleased to say that a lot of things have been happening lately, and thankfully most of them are on the positive side (finally!)

In what seemed to be a very unlikely turn of events, I found myself being given yet another chance by the Big Guy upstairs to make something out of my life (Thanks God!) and am now a medical resident yet again, but this time in an institution which I never imagined myself working in, doing stuff I never thought I would get to do while still in training. It is not a private institution like Cardinal, nor is it a teaching hospital like somewhere else. I really took myself out of my comfort zone, working in an unfamiliar hospital with an unfamiliar system, forgoing the comforts of living near where I work and enduring the commute every day whether I be Pre, Duty, or From,, but quite frankly I'm surprised that I seem to be loving it more than what I've already experienced before.. ;) I'm able to study more, retain more, accomplish more, and help a far greater number of people than I ever thought would be possible at this point in my life.

Other stuff has been going on as well, most prominent is my exposure and eventual addiction to a certain genre of music which culminated in my emergence as a loyal SONE, but that discussion is reserved for a future post. ;P

At last I think I'm finally getting somewhere with my life. I'm sick of wandering around, trying different things and taking a step back when something doesn't seem to suit my fancy. I think I may have found a home here, and this is where I intend to stay (hopefully for the next three years). 

Um.. ok.. I guess that's all for now.. Strange.. I expected to be able to churn out a novel this time around.. :P

Take a Break

I've decided to take a hiatus from blogging for a while in favor of a more traditional medium, plus some other stuff that would definitely leave me more preoccupied than usual..Its all a part of trying to pry myself away from the computer to go out and start living again. ;) See you around. :D

Outlet

I need an outlet.

Not the electrical kind, as the image above might lead one to believe, but an opportunity to make my thoughts and feeling heard.

Which is why I'm on multiply again after so long.

Actually, that's a part of my struggles.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post (which I won't be able to crosslink here because it's too far back to search), blogging is cathartic to me, and man, do I ever need catharsis now..

I've had a really rough year last 2011. I had hoped to put out a yearender blog entry following my usual tradition, but I never got around to doing it.. So to my readers, please bear with me.. I'll probably put one up in the coming days so as not to break tradition. I guess I was too preoccupied dealing with "stuff" that I was trying to take lightly but couldn't.. Looking back, I thought I was ok, but the reality proved otherwise.. I cannot really explain why I was unable to blog for such a long time, especially when I think I needed this activity the most..

Chalk it up to laziness, but I guess it goes a little deeper than that. I'm being intentionally vague right now as I contemplate if I will discuss certain things at length in future entries. Basically, this year has been about bad decisions, self-discovery, re-evaluation, feelings of betrayal and self-pity. It was also a struggle with depression, self-doubt, and finding purpose.

There was also a little big of light in the tunnel as well.. particularly the discovery of a certain something that may help me through rough spots when I'm feeling down..

Sigh.. I'm actually a bit afraid of what this new year might bring, but hey, when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up, right?

I just hope I can find the rope to haul myself up out of this mess.. its really dark in here..