Finishing up

 As time winds down on the few remaining days of my (hopefully last) clinical fellowship, I find myself confronting a lot of different emotions.. Strangely enough, this is a lot different compared to the time that I was counting down the days to the end of my first subspecialty training. Ss I recall, it involved a lot more reminiscing, and I was even doing a daily picture upload to document the approach of my forthcoming exit from the program.

 This time around, the prevailing feeling is one of relief that it is all over. Everyone who has had the experience of training amidst the pandemic has a unique story to tell, the likes of which will have difficulty resonating with others who have not lived through the experience. A lot of adaptations had to be made in order for programs to survive, and ours was no exception. I never thought I would find myself sick and tired of telemedicine consultations, since it has more of that future-tech vibe, but here we are. Zoom fatigue is definitely very real, and hopefully when the time comes for me to resume practice (after the board examinations), people will be brave enough (and completely vaccinated) to engage in face-to-face consultations.

 Talking to a miniature image of a person through a camera, screen, and speakers is way different from the personal engagement and interactions of the classic clinic visit. With the latter, the dialogue is  more nuanced, and the responses more genuine. People have always talked about the dichotomy of medicine being both an art and science. The science is still there, but the art somehow loses its luster when you limit human interactions to remote exchanges conducted through technology, no matted how advanced it is..

Besides my newly-discovered disdain for teleconsultations, this year has been such a roller coaster of emotions that it is near impossible to consider the sum of all these feelings to be a positive one, Sad to say, this may be the first time I graduate from a program feeling like I never want to come back.. 😞

This isn't to say that I won't be helping out the juniors that would come after me though, but that would actually depend on who will be the juniors entering the program. Fortunately, the new faces we were introduced to seem receptive enough, and I would be happy to help them out as they begin their journey. I can't really spoon-feed them everything though, since we had to tough it out ourselves with little by the way of actual endorsements given the situation of the times... But to be honest, it is getting tiresome making excuses for the higher ups..

 I am sure our batch will be compared to those that would follow us, and we would seem like the black sheep who could not do as well as the others, but I hope that we would be remembered as "those guys that kept things going" in spite of everything. It wasn't great or fantastic by any conceivable measure, but at least we survived and put the program in a position to begin thriving again, even though we ourselves will not be there to enjoy the successes that future batches would be able to fully experience...

Let it be known that I am not ungrateful. As a matter of fact, we are extremely thankful to have been in training in spite of everything, and that the bosses went out of their way (for the most part) to ensure that the program would continue through some shape or form. Personally though, it is hard to not feel like a half-baked version of what an actual graduate of the program should be like. However, recent discoveries have led us to conclude that we may not be so different from them after all, but I guess that's a story for another time, if ever.. 😉

I can't wait to put everything behind me, but I also still have so much to do. Today actually marked a big step forward, since I have successfully rested myself the past couple of days, and am fully prepared to face the coming challenge with a renewed vigor and a fresh insight. I had discovered (too little too late) that I was not being myself this past year. I had shifted my way of doing things too much in order to conform to a perceived standard and so that I would not alienate others around me.. But that wasn't me.. Looking back, I realized I had been stifling myself from operating at peak efficiency. The other day, my inner monologue kicked in and I began questioning myself in the car: "What the heck are you doing? This isn't you. What are you so worried about? You got this."

Strange as it may seem, that encounter with my subconscious kind of jolted me awake from my self-imposed hibernation, and right in the nick of time too. I can now approach the coming days with a new kind of resolve because of this healthy change of perspective. I just hope I can sustain this all the way to the submission of requirements and the final examinations.. I'm quite sure I had help from the Big Man Upstairs.. Only He knows me this well, and I'm 100% positive that this is all His doing.. Thank you.. I will do my best. 🙏

Pessimist

 I should be doing something far more important, nut a number of things weigh heavily on my mind.

2020 has been such a bad year... I don't even know where to begin.. So much tragedy abounds, and it shows no signs of relenting..

Can it be the end times already? Maybe.. I don't know anymore..

Such a shame that humanity will not be able to move on and be better.

I have kinda given up hope on humanity to be honest.. To say it in the vernacular, "hanggang diyan na lang talaga ang mga tao, hindi mo na maaasahang bumuti pa". To expect something greater from people is folly. I feel that people collectively will not be able to rise above all the selishness and stupidity that is so prevalent in the world today.

The ideals that they portray in Star Trek, about humanity coming together and working for the common good which allowed them to reach for the stars is simply not possible in this present situation. I feel that humanity has devolved so much that a critical mass of people being altruistic enough to put aside their differences to make the world a better place is simply not possible anymore.

The bad thing about social media is that it is universal, and gives a voice to those who do not deserve it. It provides a readily-accessible platform to those who seek to do harm. It allows ignorant people to pass on their stupid ideas to the world, and make themselves noticed not by their intelligence, but simply by being the loudest voice in the room. And the worst part of that? Other people would actually support these ideas. So yeah, I don't think humanity will be able to rise up from the muck, mainly because people are content to wallow in the mud.

I figured if you want people to be nicer to each other, you have to have solid values training, which comes with education (both in schools and at home). If you can't raise your brat to be a decent human being who is capable of caring about others, then you have no business making children, as you are just contributing to the cumulative jackassery of the human race.

 Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I now think we are fated to wipe everyone off the face of the planet instead of coexisting peacefully. For as long as you have ignorant people (universal education is not a government priority in most banana republics, as poverty and ignorance can be used by despots to stay in power, just look at us) and selfish people who are unable to move beyond thinking about themselves, the countdown will continue for humanity's finite time on this Earth.

 

Warning: Rambling Rant ahead...

I need something, anything, to get myself started again.

On duty again today as the Senior House Officer.Man, being a SHO here is a lot different from when I was in QC.. In those early years, it was more of an annoyance, with not really much responsibility to bear, since the Chief of Clinics was always just a phonecall away, and the THOCs were handled directly by the different departments. Not so here in our institution, when the SHO has greater power and responsibility. One of the things I dislike the most as SHO is the constant level of anxiety that stays in the air in anticipation of something happening, be it a midnight call for a THOC or an unexpected call for help from the emergency department..

Lately it feels like I've just been floating along, without any motivation to do well in my work.. Is this burnout? I do not know. Frankly speaking, I have relatively little to be burned out about. But then again, the constant flow of work that I have been through in the past few months may have left me with very little in the tank..

Actually I'm feeling depressed, with very little evidence of anything to be depressed about. However, that's the thing about depression.. It just comes around without warning to bite you in the ass. :( You often have nothing to really be sad about. Your mood just turns all gloomy without warning, and it affects everything you think, say, or do, and recovery is slow and difficult.. :(

Hmm.. It's actually raining now.. A welcome development compared to the sweltering heat we have endured for the past months.. A lot of lives have been affected by the drought, especially our poor farmers in the countryside..

I wish I would be having my training under happier circumstances, but with the current situation among the trainess, especially the infighting among seniors, makes this a less than desirable place to be if one is looking for someplace to rest and "make tambay". I won't go into specifics since I feel that my blog does not deserve to be contaminated by unimportant trivialities caused by unimportant people...

Still, the office and callroom remains a relatively unhappy place, filled with unease when opposing parties are in the same room together. As for me, well, I'm caught right in the midde of it, being civil with either side, without favoring one or the other. And these guys know me well enough not to drag me into their petty squabble lest they endure my wrath. :P

On the side, I have also been reading stuff about possible electoral fraud due to supposed technical corrections done to the transparency server. This to me seems like a load of crap, and I think the media is just blowing things out of proportion, as well as the supposedly affected parties who seem to be looking at absolutely anything they can get their hands on to say that there has been foul play despite there not being any in the first place..

But then again, looking at things the other way, why would there be a need to make such a trivial adjustment to such a an unimportant thing at the even of the elections if said change would only be cosmetic anyway? The end result being that the electoral result is now in doubt.. Hay naku..

I have recently deleted my FB app from my device, in order to minimize distractions and remove myself from all the negativity that go with it. FB is good per se, but I think it has been doing more harm than good to society as a whole. Another goal of deleting FB is that I would be able to concentrate on things and people that matter to me. :) I have half a dozen pocketbooks which I have bought in the last couple of years that have yet to be read because I lacked the "sit-down time" it would take me to read these books, as I usually read each book in one sitting (yeah, I'm a book nerd like that :P)

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It is already 2pm, and I should really get started already on the paperwork (I started this entry at 10am, with pauses in between for lunch and to check the present state of the ER and the fellow manning that post.

I'm thinking of shooting hoops again with brother tomorrow, that is, if my stamina would allow it. :P Shooting hoops gives me such relaxation which I have not felt for a long, long time.. It's just you and the basketball out there on the court. I also discovered that I still have a pretty decent free throw shooting arm, putting down 6 out of 10 in one continuous sequence. :D

Lonely Fellow..

After my little online rant the other day, I kinda felt better, although I had a really toxic duty during that evening. Then when the time came for me to go home in the afternoon, I felt strangely calm and at peace.. Let me elaborate..

The fast few weeks have been kind of long and dragging for me.. I was feeling really down, unhealthy, and to tell you quite frankly, I felt sick (both literally and figuratively). Although things weren't really going bad in training, I felt a kind of loneliness which I had not felt since way back when I was just starting out as a medical resident. I was kind of moping around, clearly dissatisfied with my life. It didn't help that my female batchmates have one by one decided to turn their backs on me for some reason.. I mean, I don't think I did anyone wrong, nor did I get anyone into trouble. It may be true that I'm not really the most fun guy to be with, and that I only speak when I am spoken to (since I don't really have anything to talk to them about). I'm seen as no -nonsense, whereas they seem to be enjoying taking everything lightly except when it comes to work (where they get really worked up about everything). And they wonder why I don't seem to open up to them..

Getting to know me is a long process, as I don't really trust people with the details of my life that easily. That is why I do not really post any personal stuff on these social networking sites, and would like to keep my friend list to a minimum if possible. I am not a socia media narcissist like some other people who feel the obligation to take a new selfie every now and then and refresh their profile photo for whatever reason they may have.

I guess my sociability problem stems from the feeling of relative contentment I have with my life right now. I am not particularly wanting for anything. I am able to go home and be with my family on a regular basis (if you can call a resident/fellow's schedule "regular"). I fortunately have a special someone in my life who gives me something to look forward to in the future. :) I do not have any pressing aspirations to become fantastically wealthy, nor am I desiring a lavish lifestyle which I would have to work myself to death in order to maintain.. I guess all these things created this attitude that "I don't really need anything or anyone else", which is fundamentally wrong by itself..

But it's so hard to be sociable when you aren't really fond of things that sociable people do, like going out, drinking, and karaoke. I would very much rather snuggle up at home on my bed or spend the entire day playing NBA on a console. :P

I guess I have to wrap this up soon. The preop-postop conference starts in a few minutes.

I tried..

I really need to start writing again..

Lately everything in my life has been such a blur.. I don't know what to make of things anymore..

And now something really big just came up, and I feel that my life is about to spiral out of control..

Nothing makes sense anymore.. I hate to sound so melodramatic, but I presently feel that I no longer have anything to live for..

Regrets abound,and there's nothing I can really do about it..

I'm actually writing this as a warmup to a much bigger thing, the most difficult letter I will probably ever have to write in my entire life..

Missing someone

It's 11:30 PM here at the hospital. I've just finished off my rounds and should actually be studying but my mind demands a sort of creative release in order to restore balance in my life.. Wow, that's a  lot of seemingly hippie mumbo-jumbo right there man.. :P

I just realized that no matter how comfortable you may get in a particular life situation, being away from the people you care about the most will inevitably leave you emotionally crippled.. Take today for example. It's a Sunday duty. Never mind that I will be away from my family for the nth time on a weekend, but on the way here as I was riding the bus, everything just felt like crap because of the simple reason that I was missing someone terribly. This someone whom I wish I could be together with everyday but am forced to be content with the occasional text message or the even rarer lunch date out before taking that person home.. sigh.. :(

It's of little consolation to know that she is in the same boat as I am. Then again, I guess that's why we were drawn to each other in the first place. Having similar careers, we understand each other and what we have to endure to reach our goals in our professional lives.

With that in mind, I guess what sustains us is the thought that it will all be over soon and we can finally get on with living our lives the way we see fit. Happy and together, and seeing patients on the side. :D

Having brought this up, I often imagine what life would be like when we're finally done with training.. For sure we won't be rich, but hopefully we'll be happy and content with our lives.. 

Selective Resetting

Il bet everyone wished at one time or another whether it would be possible for life to have a reset button. Different folks would have different needs ranging from an "entire-life reboot" to something as simple as making a different choice somewhere down the road. This entry deals with the latter.

I admit that I have made my fair share of decisions in my life that I wish I never made, but none to the extent that I would want to go back and change something.. Well, that is, until recently..

Being a little bit older and being able to take stock of my life from a more mature viewpoint has its ups and downs. It's good because of the wisdom you gain from certain experiences in your life that you were not able to understand at the time. On the flipside, it is that same increased level of intellectual maturity that may lead you to be disgusted at some of the things you've been through. It's like saying "What the hell was I thinking??".

It is the unfortunate fact that regrets come only after the event has transpired or an error has been made. Even more unfortunate are those regrets that come and hit you much later, years after something which cannot be undone. This seems to hurt more because of the helplessness you feel. With a more proximate event, it would definitely easier (for the most part) to make up for what had happened since if you go by the temporal profile, it's not really too far off. But when the regrets hit you a decade later, BAM! Its like being hit by a ton of bricks. You're suddenly reminded of the decision itself, but moreso of the multitude of possibilities and other pathways you could have taken during the great span of time between now and the past decision. In some cases, your imagination may go into overdrive as you envision totally different scenarios, the other roads not taken, and feel a deep sense of regret from within.. sigh.. 

There are some things I wish I could have changed, but on a positive note, a different kind of change is coming, and may possibly impact my life for the better, permanently.. :)

Forcible removal

*written by the seat of my pants at the LRU on Feb 23, 2011

At the verge of yet another life-changing decision, this time under much less pleasant circumstances..

Sigh.. I never thought it would come to this.. Yet another resignation, of all things.. So much for "living the dream". I guess this means I'll probably have to take my game elsewhere, if I would be accepted, that is..

I have absolutely no idea with what to do next with my life.. Ever since I began work as an NPROD, things have gotten more and more complicated. All this eventually culminated in my committing a lot of screwups, each suppoosedly more worse than the other, causing serious hits to my credibility, drive, and self-confidence. Again, I felt that my life was spiralling out of control, now made even worse by the constant badgering and angry ranting by my seniors.. I wish there was some way with which I could undo all of this, that I could go back to Cardinal and just revert back to the simpler (although a little less meaningful) work that I had there, away from all the complicated issues that seem to permeate the very ground upon which I stand..

I yearn for a return to simplicity, back to a time where I just went to work, had some conferences to attend, and went home tired but content nontheless.. Oh if only I HAD remained contented with what I already had, I wouldn't be facing this in the first place, the prospect of being banished with a black mark upon my head..

This used to be my dream, to be able to train at one of the best (well, only) NeuroPsych programs in the country. I was willing to abandon what had been shaping up to be a promising career in Internal Medicine to foolishly pursue a fleeting flight of fancy, one which took me down to the very depths which I am languishing in now..

I know it's useless crying over spilled milk, and that blaming others won't really do me any good. What's done has been done, and a reversal is nowhere among the cards.

I fnd it funny that everytime I find myself leaving UST, I do so under unpleasant terms.. Finishing clerkship, I opted to have my PGI at CGH to get away from it all.. When I first applied for residency here, I also left with an unpleasant feeling that maybe this was not the place for me.. Now for the third time, I am leaving with a far greater degree of "sama ng loob". I thought I could make it this time, that being a little older and wiser would help me get by the stresses that permeate the place, but I was DEAD WRONG..

Seeing as this is MY blog, where I can put WHATEVER I WANT, I want to put up a kind of retrospective "wish list" that would serve as a reminder to myself of what I may have wanted in the first place:

- I wish that there were less issues in the place of work, that people would be less prone to make big deals about little things and instead just be more helpful and understanding..

- I wish that there didn't have to be a very strict "ladder". Sure I can respect a heirarchy for the chain of command, but to cling to it rigidily in a military-like fashion may seem a bit inappropriate if the job in question is managing people's illnesses and saving their lives.

- I wish that I never would have had the strange compulsion to just get up and leave Cardinal after everything I have ben through there. Though it's true that I may have been a little fed up there as well, but the way I was treated there is way better that what I have experienced in these short 1 1/2 months..

- I REALLY WISH I could get myself a fresh start, but that would seriously depend on what the verdict would be.. I mean, letters of recommendation are VERY important, and I really doubt whether I would be able to get favorable ones from this place..

I feel like such a failure.. Its as though all the motivation and self-confidence has been sucked out of me.. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought that it would come to this, although I admit that I may have had an inkling of this a few weeks back.

A few short weeks.. that's how long it has been?.. It feels like I've been here forever.. Oh yeah, I forgot, they extended pre-residency to two months from the usual one..

So now I sit here on my ass, waiting for the clock to tick down as I await the inevitable.. I will go quietly if given the option, anything to salvage whatever credibility I have so I can take my craft elsewhere.

I'm sick of all this...

:|

Went to the baptism of my first-ever godchild yesterday. It was a real honor that my good buddy Ced chose me to be his kumpare. :D Oh, and it was great to see that his folks were happy to see me as well after so long. I guess childhood friends are the best, especially if their folks know you as well 

After the baptism, there was the usual picture taking with the ninongs/ninangs, etc.. I realized that I was having trouble smiling, not due to some motor defect, but I felt that I was devoid of happiness for some reason. I just wasn't that happy.. As I munched on the thought while waiting for the mass later on, I realized that I never felt so empty in my entire life.. I find it more difficult now to find happiness in the little things, which normally makes my life run a little smoother and makes things seem a bit more bearable. To put things in perspective, I remember something the then-incoming Chief Cardiology Fellow Dr. Angie Anacleto told me: "You used to be such a Jolly person, Bong.. Anong nangyari sayo?.." For the first time in so long, I was at a loss for words to explain how I felt..

A part of me wants to explain away by saying that I left my pleasant demeanor behind in Cardinal.. but it feels as though I've already been drained long before I even left..

Sigh..

How apt..

I just saw this pic online and grabbed it immediately..

Sadly applicable to my present state....

Here We Go Again

*As usual, this entry was written while at the OPD.. 

It's Monday after Holy Week, and once again, I'm here at the OPD left alone to process my thoughts, feed my insecurities, and tickle my imagination.

I just came from a restful (?) break from Holy Week, which I dreaded somewhat because in my experience, any taste of normalcy in my life today is bound to to have serious repercussions the moment I head back to the hospital and face the surreal situation we live day in and day out.

I had the pleasure of running into an old friend/grade school classmate last duty. We chatted for a bit at his room, catching up on the latest news and reminiscing about old times. While in te midst of swapping stories, I realized that there's really a much bigger world out there for everyone to see. I've been too caught up in my "three-day cycle" that I think I've already forgotten how life is on the outside.

After coming home from an exhausting duty yesterday, I went to see my sweet inspiration, since it was our anniversary.. We had a very filling lunch at Sbarro's and basicaly enjoyed each other's company while strolling at the mall before I took her home.

Like I said, a little taste of normalcy is very dangerous, and I got up this morning pretty much feeling like crap. That hasn't changed in the 2 1/2 hours I've already spent here this morning.

My thoughts drift away to what alternatives I may do with my life should I decide to carve out a new path before it's too late..There's really no hard and fast rule in life that says you have to rigidly live it one way or another. All my life, it's always been about stability, about doing the same safe repetitive thing over and over. My motto was "if it ain't broke, don't change it". I'm kinda realizing now that its exactly that kind of mentality that's been leaving me broken in so many different places. It's this unusually prominent lack of flexibility that's been stopping me from growing and being able to experience life to the fullest...

At present, I'm starting to seriously consider a whole bunch of alternatives. Options which may not seem too glamorous, but are pretty much viable. Thing is, I never really desired greatness. I have no grand plans of eventually becoming the head of the society of so-and-so, or eventually being appointed medical director, chief of section or whatever nonsense.. I just want to be HAPPY.. earning enough money on the side to support a family that I can raise to be good and God-fearing. I guess I'm afraid to let people down, because so many people have such unreasonably high expectations of me.. stuff that I never really expected of myself..

There are really times when I'm not proud, maybe even ashamed of my MD... :( Mainly because of the expectations and hardship those two letters symbolize.. which isn't really fair on us doctors...

I wish I could reinvent myself, to be able to live a life that's truly worth living.. I have oftentimes questioned what drove me to be a doctor in the first place. As far as I can recall I have no overwhelming desire to "serve the poor", "help the sick", or any other idealistic bullshit that people cook up.. I guess I was in it for the challenge, because it was something I knew I COULD do (not necessarily meaning I'd be happy doing it, but I didn't realize it at the time.)..

Someone once said that you'd have to be nuts to really be passionate about being a doctor, and looking at some of the people I've encountered, that really isn't far from the truth..

Sigh.. I wish Auntie Doctora was still alive.. although I know she'd just rebuke me and tell me to just suck it up and bear it.. but the problem remains that I don't think I'm happy anymore.. I have often envied those guys on the Discovery Chanel, doing fascinating stuff that they love while travelling around the world learning about stuff they're really passionate about. I have to admit that I'm only hanging on by a very thin thread right now. It's so hard that all sorts of wild and wonderful alternative careers come to mind.

If I would be able to raise a little money, I'd probably start my own business, a little something on the side because I know deep down that I wont be making oodles of money as a doctor.. at least not within the first 10 years of finally becoming a consultant.. It's just too freaking long...

Everyone talks about making sacrifices, well I'm really sick of it.. It seems as though my life has been one big sacrifice.. I seriously need a fresh start, or a fresh outlook, although I'd very much prefer the former.. My thoughts currently swirl around the prospect of getting a brand new start in life (while I'm still relatively young). I feel as though I've (unknowingly) deprived myself of so many things (albeit indirectly) by the choices I've made in life..

I think I need a counselor.. Or a psychiatric consult..

Dysthymic

The following entry was written on Monday, March 29, 2010 at around 11am

*This entry is being written by hand at the CSMC out-patient department (after work of course!). Seeing as I often miserably fail whenever I try to make an honest attempt to blog something down when I'm in front of the computer. I decided it would be better if I jotted stuff down as inspiration would hit me. Hmm.. maybe I should bet me one of those fancy-ass Moleskine notebooks so I'd also look sophisticated at the same time..

I really miss my creative writing in general. I really should be studying for a quiz right now, but the resource I printed out has a font that's too small. It's such a chore reading it that I've given up on it altogether.

So now I'm here, alone with my thoughts, with a pen in hand an a piece of paper to bear witness to all my innermost musings..

I almost decided not to go to the hospital today. Either that, or I would have came in really late, seeing as I won't really be doing anything productive for about half a day (since or OPD days are pretty light). As my luck would have it, fate decided things for me and threw a monkey wrench into my plans, thus here I am..

I'm getting really sick and tired of the three-day cycle my life presently revolves around. It's bad enough that you have to go to work everyday and put up with the various personalities involved, but toss in going on duty every three days, and your life is pretty much messed up, especially for someone who's starting to have second thoughts about everything he has ever believed in..

I'll be the first to admit that I tend to procrastinate a lot, especially if I'm on my own time, and I don't really like what I'm supposed to do. It just gets a little frustrating at times when you wake up and realize that the life you're living at present isn't really what you envisioned it to be when you first signed up.. I guess you can't always expect life to go the way you THINK it should.. sigh..

I can't help but wonder "What if I had been less arrogant?", or "What if I hadn't been so stubborn in wanting to prove myself just to prove a goddamn point?". In hindsight, my life could have been so much simpler. Not necessarily easier ('coz everyone needs to work for what they have), but simpler. In fact, that's just about all I want out of life: Simplicity with a generous measure of peace and quiet..

I figure my main problem stems from the fact that I want to do a great many other things with my life at present, but am severely restricted by the rigors of residency. As a result, I'm developing a resistance of sorts. If I were ever an intellectually hungry eager-beaver who had an earnest passion to learn, that person has long gone, and is now replaced by a very cynical and disgruntled individual who isn't really happy about the crap he's in right now. Yesterday, I went to pick up my sweet inspiration from her hospital. We had breakfast together at a nearby McDonald's and I then took her home. It's been ages since we've last last been able to go on a proper date, since the demands of our medical training forced us to adapt, or fail miserably while trying..

I never thought I'd reach this really low point: already in the midst of finally getting started with training, but at the same time wanting to turn back with every step I take.I know it's a little too late to turn tail and start a new life (although I terribly wish that I could), Never mind the shame that apparently comes with changing directions. For me, those people are the real heroes: unafraid to change course as needed, and smart enough to know what they really want out of life. All this time, I've been driven by an unseen force to give a good effort to get into a good program to train.. but now what? I feel as though whatever impetus which has been driving me has left me out to dry.. I feel a little abandoned, and trapped in something I'm unable to reverse.. I guess this is what it feels when they say you've already squandered your life away (although I'm not even half done with it yet..).

Disconnecting

I have learned (slowly and via the hard way) that  being able to COMPLETELY disconnect yourself from your work is ABSOLUTELY necessary if you wish to save yourself from going insane or having a major breakdown..

I guess everyone has hang-ups about work, no matter what they do for a living. Unfortunately,  feel like I've drawn the shorter end of the stick, especially when I think of people with jobs that don't involve going on duty or having to stay in one place for more than 24 hours.. So to all you kids who want to take Medicine and become a doctor, REALLY think about it first. Man I'm tired already... I wsh I had more time to  myself.. 

Valentine's Day duty.. sigh...

On duty on Valentine's Day, and it's a Sunday to boot.. I just feel like putting a bunch of random thoughts up in the air..

- Good thing my parents will be picking me up tomorrow for a family party..

- Lunch was superb! Thanks mom! I miss you..

- I really miss my fiancee.. :(

- and my brother and dad as well

- I really wish I could turn back the clock and make some changes.. but I know that can never be..

- Am presently looking for alternatives. Any suggestions anyone? :P

- I miss my old simple life, my personal clinic, my loyal patients, my cousins who I always hang with.

- most of all, I miss the food, and being able to eat ON TIME.. and being able to use the CR anytime as well

- why does medical training have to be so tedious?.. why must we give up so much (our time, our health, our very being) just so that others would be well?.. A better question would be, why should we sacrifice our health and well-being for that of others? Parang nagkapalit lang...

- Man, I've really lost a lot of weight since starting residency.. I feel really scrawny na..

- and I feel chronically ill as well.. :(

Hay...

and you know the really sad thing? It's the fact that I'm in too deep already, and that there's no turning back..

I need to do this..

After barely a month into residency, I need to let off some steam.. Well, maybe I won't vent anything here, but the fact that I'm actually blogging again for a change is already therapeutic in itself.

They weren't kidding when they said that 1st year IM residency in Cardinal was really toxic. The workload is really a killer, and I'm reduced to something like a boarder whenever I come home.. I just go home to sleep and I'm up and away to work again at first light the next day. When you really think about it, our batch has it pretty easy. This year, the training committee decided to get a full complement of eight residents for our batch, which is really great when you consider what happened in previous years.. Now the trick is for us to stay together and support one another to see the year through.. Although I haven't met any of them before pre-residency, (save for Joy, who was an acquaintance from WAAAAAY back) I'm thankful to have batchmates like them who are really helpful and supportive.

Now the trick is to overcome myself, my fears, insecurities, issues, and feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.. I know I still have a very long way to go in terms of self-healing, and I guess that's something you can't really rush. So I guess I'll just have to sail with the tide for a while and hope I don't hit the rocks.. Yeah, I know I seem pretty screwed up right now, and sometimes I can't help but feel that I was just guided by an inflated sense of self-worth which found me trudging along this path... sigh...I'll probably have more on that next time.. I guess that's all for now, I still need to sleep because I'm on duty again tomorrow..... SIGH

Waiting, Hoping, Praying..

I took the qualifying examinations for pre-residency at my hospital of choce last Saturday, and the guy from the Medical Education department told me that they would be turning over the applicants' paper to the respective departments and I would just be texted next week or the first week of October if I was scheduled for interview (which meant that I passed the exam)..

It's amazing how time flies. It seems only yesterday when I was in a similar situation while I was applying for NeuroPsych pre-residency, although I don't recall ever being worried during the entire application process. I guess this was probably due to the fact that I was scrambling for requirements and didn't have time to be worried or to think about the possibility of my application not being accepted..

Hmmm, now that I've thought about it, last year I was driven by a sense of destiny, that it was something I was really meant to do. My idealism was running at an all-time high during those days, and I felt that I could take whatever they throw at me. Well, that really wasn't far from the truth, as the workload was bearable and I was fully prepared to go the distance and finsh the entire month of every-other-day duties. However, fate had other things in mind, and when the idealism fizzled away, I found myself searching for something very different.

Well, I've had my year off, and what a wonderful year it has been. :D Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've had a unique opportunity to see the "other side of the fence" that people don't normally get to experience when they immediately proceeed with residency. In the lingo of Psychiatry, I was able to "satisfy certain needs and desires" which I may have been repressing due to the demands of my training. Finally, I was able to let loose and live life the way wanted to (which basically consists of lazing around and going places on my own , a luxury that used to be hard to come by, while using my miniscule amount of hard-earned cash) :P I know I've already mentioned the stuff I was able to do this year in a previous post, so I won't delve into that any more.

Fast-forward one year, and here I am, hoping to be a pre-resident once again, and this time it's for keeps! But until that fateful text arrives, there's nothing left to do but wait, hope, and pray... :(

Missing my friends...

All my life, I've basically regarded myself as a loner, which was brought about by numerous circumstances that happened along the way, most of them beyond my control..

I recall being very shy and withdrawn. I had trouble socializing and shunned new acquaintances. I just kept a small circle of very close friends that I grew up with, some of whom I consider my closest friends to this very day. I never really expected to go beyond that, until I graduated from high school..

Things started to change during college. I don't know if it was the new environment, or the new bunch of people that I interacted with, but for some reason, I finally felt that I was generally welcome. The friends I made in college helped my strip away the protective wall I had surrounded myself with. I realized that not everyone was out to get me, and that the world was a fun place after all. :D

In fact, I would say that the best year of my life so far would be my MedTech Internship year, which was the year that (in my opinion) was the year I finally broke out of my shell and started learning how to "live", but that's a story for another time.. :P

Medical school was a little different, what with all the seriousness and the competitive atmosphere typical of any respectable academic institution. Despite this, I managed to forge friendships there as well, which were tempered by the fires of Clerkship and Internship.

It just dawned on me yesterday that our paths are now truly diverged, given the varied career decisions we have made. I mean, last year was a different story, when we were all planning for taking residency immediately after the boards, and most of us expected to be training alongside one another at UST. However, things don't always work out the way you planned it, and now as I stand at the beginning of a freshly-hewn path, I look back and remember with a slight tinge of sadness the friends I've left behind..

I'm sure that I will make new acquaintances and friends should I get accepted to my current hospital of choice, but nothing would be able to replace all that we have been through.

Trust vs Mistrust

You just can't trust anybody these days..

I just learned recently that a close friend revealed a secret that I said was supposed to be kept under wraps as much as possible. It's just so frustrating because I wouldn't reveal this particular bit of info to just anyone. Although it's not secret that is life-threatening or anything of the like, the fact that it was revealed leaves me feeling betrayed... :(

I really hate it when people attribute this to "its just his/her nature". This destroys all accountability for the revelation. I don't want to sound self- righteous or anything, but when a person confides in me and tells me not to tell a soul, I really honor that request although the secrets may seem harmless, they are being kept secret for a reason. In fact, I've kept a number of secrets through the years so long that I may have already forgotten all about them because I never told anyone.. Sigh.. its really difficult to find someone you can trust, and I'm learning that the hard way..