About love...

This topic has been pretty much taboo on this blog for the longest time already, what with everything that has transpired in the past years.. But now I guess I'm ready to take that brave step, and make a revelation to the world...

Some of my more sharper readers may have picked out my mentioning of my Other Half in certain entries, but I never really went into much detail about her, and I guess I still won't, since I don't really make things too public here.. Or anywhere else on the internet for that matter.

Anyway, my Other Half used to represent an ideal. A lofty idea or concept if you will, about a woman who would totally get me inside-out from the get-go because she, by some force of magic unbeknownst to man, would essentially be my clone, except that she would be a girl. The "female me" in a matter of speaking.

Best Friend and I had this conversation when we were younger when I asked him what girl would be right for me.. He gave such a specific answer that I never forgot to conversation. He told me "You'd probably want someone like you, except that she'd be a girl".

Eerily enough, a woman came into my life some time ago who matched the description PERFECTLY.. Getting to know her flowed seamlessly, as she immediately got what I liked and vice versa.. We never had trouble deciding on things together because we actually even thought alike in a majority (if not all) situations.. It was so uncanny.. Weird even..

The attraction followed naturally, since she was quite the pretty lady herself, and she thinks I'm quite the stud (Haha!). After that awkward initial first meeting which found us both struggling to keep our composure around each other, we finally began to settle into a comfortable routine that even long-time lovers aspire to have.

It also helped that I got to know her folks and get on their good side early on, as she got to meet my parents as well and left a good impression. I had no idea that being in a relationship could be this fun or effortless.. There's no point in keeping secrets since we can be totally open to one another without any need for second-guessing the other's reaction. We're both free to speak our minds, not in a superficial "Its ok, juat tell me" kind of way, but a "I trust you well enough that you won't freak out at this" kind of way.. Then there was that car accident and the run-in with the traffic police.  It was such a grueling experience but she never left my side even though I had already sent her home (since she lived nearby from where we had the accident). She actually even came back for me! It was like a scene from a movie or something! I wanted to cry on the spot but I was too busy listening to the cops to do so :P eventually everything ended well, and we had a hell of a story to tell when we got back! XD

I thought that getting involved with someone so similar would be boring and get old really fast, but boy was I ever wrong! Being similar means that you both enjoy the same things, and you don't have to force each other to sit through stuff while only one of you enjoys what he or she is doing. Those little differences with regards to what guys and girls like become negligible and instantaneously forgivable, since you still have so much in common to like and get along with. 

Needless o say, I'm quite pleased with the way things are right now, and I expect things to remain this way for a long time to come.. :) after all, so does she.. ;)

On the other hand...

This was written shortly after the previous post...

I'm also grateful for the chance to get away from the hospital for a while. My patients are (hopefully) pretty much stable for the past few days, except for that newly intubated one which made my morning pretty busy after going through that grueling case conference.

Hey, I guess I got through that pretty much unscathed! Thanks to my dear consultant moderator who took one for the team and gamely answered most of the weird questions asked by the consultants. I had to answer the basic academic stuff of course, but the advanced technical stuff that a level 1 fellow wound not normally know were covered by him. I'm also grateful to my consultant reactor, who really took time out to make a presentation in front of the body so that the conference would be a lot more interesting.

See, this is what happens when you let a burned-out doctor rest. He becomes a lot less crankier and a lot more insightful. :) I just hope this tides me over the next couple of days until the seniors go back to their original posts after all the craziness of the interhospital conference has subsided.

Come to think of it, i never really had the time to bask in the thought that my case conference ordeal for this month is finally over.. And to think that it was accomplished amidst a lot of tiredness and procrastination. Such wonders a looming deadline has on the productivity of a person. I think it shot up by about 200% i actually even left the house at 5am the previous day to make early rounds just so I could lounge around the house for roughly half the day, and devoted 8 intense hours to the completion of the presentation. Hehe :P

Although it is an experience I don't want to go through again.. XD

I promise to put on a much better showing next time, especially if I find the topic particularly interesting..

My ass hurts from all this sitting though.. i wonder when I will be relieved?..

This is stupid

The following post was typed the day before while at a different location

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Among the myriad of jobs a fellow has to do in our institution, accompanying patients to dialysis ranks among my least liked. It's a total waste of time, especially if your duties for the month leave you pretty much occupied. Its a different deal when you're the floater though, as you can use the tine to kick back and relax as you waste the day away. XD

I can't wait for this damn academic year to be over.. I absolutely despise going on ER duty, and i yearn to taste a bit of a schedule change beyond the Pre-Duty-From cycle that I have grown accustomed to throughout the years.. Heck, I just wanna be done with training, period!

I yearn to have the opportunity to finally live my life according to my own design.. I long to break free from the confines of a duty schedule, from running after annual academic requirements. I want to be able to take an actual vacation where I can truly rest my weary mind and body which has been worn down through the years as a result of the rigors of hospital training.. It may sound shocking, but I want to have the opportunity to not be a doctor for a while... I just want to live anonymously in peace and not be bothered by anyone, including patients. Call it being antisocial, call it whatever you like. I don't really give a crap. Chances are, if you're reacting like that, you're probably one of those kinds of people that I'm trying to get away from..

I'm really going to stick to my rule of not giving out my phone number to patients. I value my personal time, and patients have no business bothering me when I'm away from the hospital or my duties. I don't think I would love my job enough to be immersed in it 24/7. Besides, there are some other roles in life that I need to make room for in the future which would demand my utmost attention, like being a dad or a husband.. ;) 

I don't wanna do this..

My mind says I must, but my heart is just not into it..

Still won't change the fact that it has to be done though..

Sigh.. I'm sick of researching for lousy topics which don't really pique my interest.. It takes my time away from other more valuable pursuits close to my heart.. But this is the nature of training I suppose.. You can't always like everything you're asked to do.. That's why probabaly mhy work has seemed like such a drag lately. Here I am with no choice stuck doing things I don't really care for, all the while it takes me away from things that I feel I should be doing with my life. Its not just the specialty, in fact this is one of the more palatable specialties I can stomach going through training for.. Its the whole "doctoring" thing. Sometimes I can't help but feel that everything has been one big mistake, which started out with a simple and, looking retrospectively, arrogant decision to pursue a career in Medicine.. Am I burned out? Most probably yes.. But hte thing is, I'm already in this so deep that there's no turning back already. I guess I'll just have to stomach the remaining year or so, after which I can be free to do my own thing..

Doomed again..

I'm really stressed out right now, and blogging seems to be my only respite..

I'm going to be having a big-ass case presentation and I'm still not ready.. It sucks that it has to be this way.. I even earned the ire of one of my favorite consultants as he is supposed to be my moderator for tomorrow and was pretty pissed when he learned that I wasn't ready.. :(

Not that I'm making excuses, as this topic has been given to me roughly a month ago.. right smack in the middle of a toxic rotation just before christmas break while people were making all theses christmas party preparations and stuff.. It was really rough getting anything academic done during that great time of the year. What fool would waste 6 days of hard-earned freedom to do more things that remind him of what he's broken free from? Coming back after vacaton was no different, since we had every-other day duty for 6 days, 7 for me since I had to make an additional slide to get into my regular schedule.. after the dust finally settled, I was only left with 4 complete days with which I could actually throw something together and make good of myself.. Or I might make a fool out of myself tomorrow... :(

Oh, another thing to amp up the degree of difficulty.. I'm among the three lucky fellows assigned on ward detail fr half the month, managing a ward that was meant for 5 fellows to operate in, since the seniors assigned to the wards are both involved in the goddamn interhospital presentation and cannot be disturbed from their work..

Sigh.. Its all just so frustrating, and you cant really do anything about it.. :( Add a few not-so-friendly coworkers and you have the perfect recipe for disaster. The fun won't end after the presentation. Aart from the expected fallout from putting on a poor showing, I will have to deal with the stresses of being the ABG reader for the next 10 days, as well as preparing my research protocol for a possuble presentation this coming February..

Fellowship is supposed to be a bit lighter, but so far, it has been a not-stop whirlwind of stuff to do (including wasteful tiring things like Christmas Party dance practices, putting together decorations, and other totally creative wastes of time.) I just wanna have some free time to rest and do my own shit and hang out with the people Itruly care about, and not have to force myself to sit in and stay together with a bunch of people who don't really give a damn about me or the stuff I like anyway..

I miss my MROD days.. True, things were much toxic physically then, but it didn't really take away too much from your psyche.. I guess that's the problem with these more "intellectual" institutions where the people tend to expect so much more from you.. You think I'd have learned my lesson already ever since that Neurology debacle a few years back..

Oh well, no use bellyaching abot it now.. Have to go and drag myself back to working on this stupid topic, Hopefully I can make it through relatively unscathed.. Hopefully, but I honestly won't be holding my breath..