8 out of 10

This post was written on February 22, 2016

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I think and worry too much, especially in uncomfortable situations that I get myself into, notably residency and fellowship training.. You see, these things are really just optional.. Nobody really compels you to go into this or that since its no longer part of a school curriculum like clerkship, or a requirement for the physicians licensure exam like the post-graduate internship.

Sigh.. I should really learn to get my head out of my ass when things get rough.. The ER is especially traumatic for me because I am not comfortable with dealing with an endless stream of patients, most of them seeking immediate attention for one reason or another. Its not easy to deal with that because i feel like I run out of compassion too soon.. My only consolation is that it will all be over soon.. (I hope..)

I kind of hate myself because of the mess I'm in, since this was a result of a conscious decision to become a freaking doctor.. 😕 As I have said before, once you realized what a freaking shitstorm it is, you find yourself way too deep into it to turn back and choose another path, which I find kind of unfair.. Other people go through life switching jobs until they find something they can live with eventually. Doctors don't normally have that luxury, unless of course you're filthy stinking rich that you can afford to turn your back on the amount you've spent on your one-way trip through medical education and just start from scratch elsewhere..

I'm normally very eloquent when I'm sad and frustrated.. I guess its due to the fact that have so much to say, and so much emotion to back it up.

A one-way ticket.. Yeah, i think i like that statement.. 

3 out of 10

This post was written on February 7, 2016

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Yup, third duty of the month.. 7 duties to go, and the end can't come any sooner.. Not liking ER duties in general isn't really helping either.. Sigh.. :/

I really just wanna rant.. I know this is getting tedious, and I'm sorry to those who are put-off by this.

I've had a relatively happy past few days since I was able to meet up with my Other Half and have dinner together on a couple of occasions. But you know what they say, the higher you fly, the further you crash. This is even moreso reflected when you have to go on duty the following day, because the taste of how much better life is outside the hospital is still fresh in your psyche..

Adding to my present woes is the fact that Ihave to give yet another report two days from now.. This should be relatively easier since the content is solely from the book, but I have not started work on the presentation yet and am just reading through the material today.

Yesterday was a rare day off, in fact, i think this was my first real day off in the last month or so, since my weekends last month still had me going to the hospital to make rounds regardless of duty status..

Fast forward to 3PM.. It's been relatively quiet for the most part owing probably to the fact that its a holiday tomorrow ( 新年快樂!), so i hope this tides over until I leave for home tomorrow..

As hard as it is to admit, I think I'm getting too old for this duty stuff.. :/ I might probably be good for one more year's worth of duties, but I think my reserve for ER duties will have reached its limit by months' end..

Now its 10PM, and I had a sudden moment of clarity and I realized that the most toxic part about going on duty at a specialty center like this is dealing with those patients who are not supposed to be admitted here.. (Primary problem is not Pulmonary)

Blogspam alert!!

I know I've been away from blogger for quite some time, but that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't been busy offline. ;) So, what follows will be another blogspam fueled by my everlasting dislike for ER duties.. XD

What a way to start the month..

Late post which was written on February 1, 2016

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It's just 9am and I'm already feeling absolutely TIRED.. It's my first day back on what would hopefully be my last month at the Emergency Room.. 

I guess you could say that I hit the ground running with this one, as there was a ton of patients endorsed by the outgoing Doctor. 4 intubated patients, plus one on BIPAP.. Argh.. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me this time around.. 

As I pause and look at myself in the mirror, I realize that so much has changed.. Gone were the days where I would see a bright young doctor wannabe filled with youthful optimism and idealism. Nowadays all I see is a worn-out old dude just trying to get by day-to-day with the hope of reaching an end to all of this someday. The fire in his eyes all but extiguished in the face ofwhat he's seen and been through so far, with nary a promise that things will get any better in the near future.. A faint glimmer of hope remains though, a spark ignited by something far greater outside the confines of the dreary hospital life.. Something that he looks forward to after all this stuff is done and over with..

I still feel like I've thrown my life away though.. The best years of my life being spent drowning in some textbook or rotting away in some hospital away from the warmth of family and friends, trying to make sure some complete strangers (some of them totally ungrateful, especially the pay patients) would be able to get better whilst my loved ones suffer quietly at home..

Yes I'm being bitter about it. I have said it one too many times that the realization about the hardships of a doctor's life comes too often too late, with students having invested far too much on their education and chosen career to backtrack on find another path..

I'll admit that I used to scoff at doctors who were saying that the doctor's life is hard, and just thought that they must not be doing so well to say such things. Now I realize that they were telling it like it is.. The feeling of being trapped and disillusioned is actually very real, and depression is always looming just around the corner.. 

I'm really glad I have this blog and this device where I can type my thoughts and frustrations away.. Sorry to my readers if things seem a bit negative, but I'm just telling it as it is.. There may have been some great moments interspersed in between, but training was mostly a wild collection of tiredness, toxicity, frustration, and heartache..

I miss sleep.. I miss being able to go to bed and wakeup late the following morning without a care in the world. Lately its been so negative from the moment I wake up, especially with the entry of February, since it represents yet another 9 days at the ER for me, or collectively 216 grueling hours of nonstop exhaustion..

I wish I REALLY had the time to do what I want in life, not just steal some moments interspersed within a greater scheme of things like training, as chasing after those temporary highs seem so empty and lonely.. To make things worse, the higher you feel, the worse it gets the following day when you have to drag yourself back to the daily grind..

I find myself retiring to my bed more often these past few days, and i can actually feel the enthusiasm drain from my psyche.. Am I depressed? Probably.. I can't say that I haven't been here before. Sometimes I have the impulse to throw up my hand and say "Fuck it!" and just walk away. It's a really tempting scenario if you look at it.. 

I think I've ran out of happy things to talk about, and this blog hangs heavy with gloom and doom..