I will miss them..

As my stint as a medical resident comes to a close, I can't help but look back at the people who have been the reason why I made it this far (and stayed this long)..

It has been a very interesting half-year, with lots (?) of learning interspersed within. There I met lots of wonderful people, each with their own unique little quirks and idiosyncrasies that make them stand out from the rest..

They were my batchmates.. Previously a group of strangers to me who soon became my "other family" there in the hospital, as we shared all the different ups and downs of hospital life.

As we all know, any kind of relationship is never perfect, and we have had the occasional bickerings and minor infightings that is typical in a situation such as ours. Despite this, I believe that we were able to come together and help one another in the fulfillment of our duties as residents.

In due time, we learned to adapt to each other, and things became a little more smoother. I will definitely miss the camaraderie, and all the fun times we shared. All the bonding that comes with being dutymates at the wards forges something that cannot easily be broken. 

It feels a little sad when I think about the future, since the field I am eyeing has fewer residents per year level and thus the chance of having a batchmate on duty with you is pretty slim..

It feels so unreal that I'm leaving.. I've grown so used to seeing them and hearing their voices day in and day out that it seems a little weird not being able to anymore.. Ours would be a cacophony of voices that would be heard every morning and afternoon at the round-table endorsements we have that defines the CSMC MROD experience.

I guess I'm also a little bit anxious about what the future might bring, because once again i might be going into unfamiliar territory, with another entire round of fresh new faces to meet and get to know.. but that's the way life is, I guess..

In the short span of time we shared, these people have become more than just my batchmates in residency, they have become my family and friends...

And I shall miss them all..

De Mesa/JOng/Paez/Sarmiento/Semira/So/Soriano

Weighing Options

It has been done..

Now all that remains is for me to pick up the pieces and make sure somethng good comes out of it this time around, because this time, we'll be playIng for keeps..

ts been a short but tiring road, which was challenging enough to reveal my weaknesses and most basic desires for my career. I hope I really make the right decision this time around.. :| I just pray that what I have been through thus far may equip me for things to come.. Para di naman sayang diba? =P

I really need some time away to reflect.. Not just a simple vacation, but an actual retreat to be able to reconnect with God so I'll know what I'm going to do with my life.. I definitely hope this will all work out well, and that I won't end up doing something I'll regret.

Change is coming..

Take your pick...

See you in 4 months....

At the brink

*This entry was written while in the midst of an ER conference as I struggled between clarity and unconsciousness.. There's really just something about attending a conference in that room that really brings out the exhaustion in me..

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I hate this life..

I don't think I want to do this anymore. The frustrating thing is that I don't seem to get the support of my parents.. Probably because I already had a year off last year..

Thing is, I never really LOVED (as in love-love) Medicine. Sure, I liked it in Med school.. somewhat.. but I never wanted to do anything with it after I finished my rotations in Clerkship and Internship..

Now, stuck in the IM department of the hospital closest to home, I find that I have made a VERY BAD decision.. They say that you can never really stay away from what you love. I guess you should also stay away from the stuff you dislike.when you tried it once before. I thought (in my arrogance) that I could do anything if I wanted to.. the problem is, I'm not sure if I want this..

Now I'm stuck here, woefully regretting why I sought to be a clinician in the first place. It's not just residency, it's the lifestyle that gos with it, even when you reach consultant status..

I'm thinking of changing careers yet again, though it may sem that I'm a fickle-minded loco who gives up just like that, bear in mind that when I left neurology 2 years ago, it was mainly due to factors outside the scope of residency, and that now I have completed almost 5 months of Medicine residency..

I'm just not interested anymore.. I'm sick and tired of dealing directly th sick people.. The most frustrating part of which is I don't seem to have time for anything else anymore, most importantly, no time for study..

I'm thinking of switching over to Radiology, and before you judge me for this choice, please note that I have already had a lengthy discussion with a Radiology resident who was trying to recruit me after I had just quit from Neurology. I want to have a simple life.. Is that too much to ask?.. :(

I don't care what other people would think if I sought out this purportedly "lesser" path. The Radiology people do their part in taking care of patient too, right? It's no less honorable than the work of a clinician..

Wrong turn

Uh-oh...

I realize that I may have made a wrong decision a few months back, and now I'm paying the price for it.

God help me...

How apt..

I just saw this pic online and grabbed it immediately..

Sadly applicable to my present state....

Naisip ko lang..

A sad fact just dawned on me right now..

Despite my best efforts, it appears as though this residency of mine will not be regarded with a feeling of yearning whenever I would look back on it (assuming that I actually FINISH residency in the first place, but that's a story for another time). It WILL NOT be up there along with my MedTech or Medschool experiences. I guess it will be remebered as a part of my life that I had to slog through in order to advance to the next level.. To all the aspiring docs out there, let me tell you the ugly truth before you go any further.. Residency sucks, and depending on the program, it will suck even more as you go further.

My father told me that now he understood why some doctors charge a lot for their services.. It's because those consultants have already sacrificed SO MUCH and gained so little during their time in training, so its a scramble to get established and earn a living so as not to be a burden any longer.. A resident's pay is laughable, especially in the private institutions. In the public hospitals, the pay is indeed higher, but the incresae in workload is not commensurate to the monetary compensation one receives.

A part of me looks back with regret at the fact that I did not choose to train abroad, where the training is definitely better, the working conditions a bit more acceptable, and the pay is more than enough for a person to survive on from day to day..

I understand that we're just in training, but we're also professionals for crying out loud! We put in more hours and get so much less in return. Now I understand why my cousin is always laughing at the local programs.. There's really no justice at all.. I'm lucky to have the support of my family, because gad they not been there, I would have given up being a doctor altogether.. From a practical point of view, it just isn't worth it.. :(

It just isn't worth it...

Clear your mind... and eat ice cream

After a consult earlier in the day, I headed off to a nearby mall to be alone with my htoughts and away from anything remotely related to my present "other life" which Iam learning to strongly detest..

As fate would have it, I finally did something I promised myself I would do when I recieved my pay from working at the hospital ("first paycheck" is immaterial, since I already started earning money about a year ago already).

Although it wasn't the first time that I had eaten their ice cream (Shangri-La was generous in giving out supermarket freebies a couple of years back), this was the first time I have dared to eat at one of their ice cream parlors, where everything is ridiculously overpriced.. The ice cream was good though, but not exactly what I expected.. Siguro mainit kasi kaya natunaw agad.. :P

In any case, I feel that my little escapade did me some good, as it helped my get my mind off things for a good 2 hours.. Sigh..

Soundtrip therapy...

It's good to have a working rig again, especially one that can pump out some serious audio.. :D

Blurbing

Another totally random blog entry containing a multiplicity of varying little topics to make up for the large amount of time not blogging anything..

- Congratulations to the staff of the Cardinal Santos Medical Center for recently passing the Philhealth accreditation with flying colors!! Now if they can only do something about our pay..

- Reevaluating one's life is really a lot of work.. I'm in the process of doing it now.. and I don't really like what I see..

- I'm beginning to get really, REALLY fed up for some reason..Maybe I really need to follow dad's advice and just pray about it.. Hmm.. I just realized that I haven't been praying a lot anymore lately.. I wish I knew how to be happy again... Also,I wish I knew how to do anything without getting stressed out.. All I want is a little peace.. :(

- I know I've put this down once before somewhere, but would like to reiterate for the benefit of my Multiply readers.. "You can be generous with whom you choose to label as friends, but exercise due care and discretion before labeling anyone as FAMILY.. "

- The best way to deal with people is to not have any really positive expectations of them, especially when dealing with near-total strangers.. I think its far better to always have your guard up than to leave yourself open and vulnerable should anything go wrong or expectations are not met..

- I attended my first-ever PCP convention last week.. Its not all that I thought it'd be.. Neat freebies though, but not as satisfying as expected.. I still prefer the Psych convention I was dragged to by my resident from NIMH when I was still just an intern.. :P

A little push..

.. to get things started. I've been wanting to put something down on this blog for the ;longest time but I've never gotten around to doing it. Maybe this simple exercise of my intellectual and vocabulary muscle might help loosen things up a bit.. See you in about 5 minutes..