Lonely Fellow..

After my little online rant the other day, I kinda felt better, although I had a really toxic duty during that evening. Then when the time came for me to go home in the afternoon, I felt strangely calm and at peace.. Let me elaborate..

The fast few weeks have been kind of long and dragging for me.. I was feeling really down, unhealthy, and to tell you quite frankly, I felt sick (both literally and figuratively). Although things weren't really going bad in training, I felt a kind of loneliness which I had not felt since way back when I was just starting out as a medical resident. I was kind of moping around, clearly dissatisfied with my life. It didn't help that my female batchmates have one by one decided to turn their backs on me for some reason.. I mean, I don't think I did anyone wrong, nor did I get anyone into trouble. It may be true that I'm not really the most fun guy to be with, and that I only speak when I am spoken to (since I don't really have anything to talk to them about). I'm seen as no -nonsense, whereas they seem to be enjoying taking everything lightly except when it comes to work (where they get really worked up about everything). And they wonder why I don't seem to open up to them..

Getting to know me is a long process, as I don't really trust people with the details of my life that easily. That is why I do not really post any personal stuff on these social networking sites, and would like to keep my friend list to a minimum if possible. I am not a socia media narcissist like some other people who feel the obligation to take a new selfie every now and then and refresh their profile photo for whatever reason they may have.

I guess my sociability problem stems from the feeling of relative contentment I have with my life right now. I am not particularly wanting for anything. I am able to go home and be with my family on a regular basis (if you can call a resident/fellow's schedule "regular"). I fortunately have a special someone in my life who gives me something to look forward to in the future. :) I do not have any pressing aspirations to become fantastically wealthy, nor am I desiring a lavish lifestyle which I would have to work myself to death in order to maintain.. I guess all these things created this attitude that "I don't really need anything or anyone else", which is fundamentally wrong by itself..

But it's so hard to be sociable when you aren't really fond of things that sociable people do, like going out, drinking, and karaoke. I would very much rather snuggle up at home on my bed or spend the entire day playing NBA on a console. :P

I guess I have to wrap this up soon. The preop-postop conference starts in a few minutes.