What a way to start the month..

Late post which was written on February 1, 2016

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It's just 9am and I'm already feeling absolutely TIRED.. It's my first day back on what would hopefully be my last month at the Emergency Room.. 

I guess you could say that I hit the ground running with this one, as there was a ton of patients endorsed by the outgoing Doctor. 4 intubated patients, plus one on BIPAP.. Argh.. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me this time around.. 

As I pause and look at myself in the mirror, I realize that so much has changed.. Gone were the days where I would see a bright young doctor wannabe filled with youthful optimism and idealism. Nowadays all I see is a worn-out old dude just trying to get by day-to-day with the hope of reaching an end to all of this someday. The fire in his eyes all but extiguished in the face ofwhat he's seen and been through so far, with nary a promise that things will get any better in the near future.. A faint glimmer of hope remains though, a spark ignited by something far greater outside the confines of the dreary hospital life.. Something that he looks forward to after all this stuff is done and over with..

I still feel like I've thrown my life away though.. The best years of my life being spent drowning in some textbook or rotting away in some hospital away from the warmth of family and friends, trying to make sure some complete strangers (some of them totally ungrateful, especially the pay patients) would be able to get better whilst my loved ones suffer quietly at home..

Yes I'm being bitter about it. I have said it one too many times that the realization about the hardships of a doctor's life comes too often too late, with students having invested far too much on their education and chosen career to backtrack on find another path..

I'll admit that I used to scoff at doctors who were saying that the doctor's life is hard, and just thought that they must not be doing so well to say such things. Now I realize that they were telling it like it is.. The feeling of being trapped and disillusioned is actually very real, and depression is always looming just around the corner.. 

I'm really glad I have this blog and this device where I can type my thoughts and frustrations away.. Sorry to my readers if things seem a bit negative, but I'm just telling it as it is.. There may have been some great moments interspersed in between, but training was mostly a wild collection of tiredness, toxicity, frustration, and heartache..

I miss sleep.. I miss being able to go to bed and wakeup late the following morning without a care in the world. Lately its been so negative from the moment I wake up, especially with the entry of February, since it represents yet another 9 days at the ER for me, or collectively 216 grueling hours of nonstop exhaustion..

I wish I REALLY had the time to do what I want in life, not just steal some moments interspersed within a greater scheme of things like training, as chasing after those temporary highs seem so empty and lonely.. To make things worse, the higher you feel, the worse it gets the following day when you have to drag yourself back to the daily grind..

I find myself retiring to my bed more often these past few days, and i can actually feel the enthusiasm drain from my psyche.. Am I depressed? Probably.. I can't say that I haven't been here before. Sometimes I have the impulse to throw up my hand and say "Fuck it!" and just walk away. It's a really tempting scenario if you look at it.. 

I think I've ran out of happy things to talk about, and this blog hangs heavy with gloom and doom..