Dysthymic

The following entry was written on Monday, March 29, 2010 at around 11am

*This entry is being written by hand at the CSMC out-patient department (after work of course!). Seeing as I often miserably fail whenever I try to make an honest attempt to blog something down when I'm in front of the computer. I decided it would be better if I jotted stuff down as inspiration would hit me. Hmm.. maybe I should bet me one of those fancy-ass Moleskine notebooks so I'd also look sophisticated at the same time..

I really miss my creative writing in general. I really should be studying for a quiz right now, but the resource I printed out has a font that's too small. It's such a chore reading it that I've given up on it altogether.

So now I'm here, alone with my thoughts, with a pen in hand an a piece of paper to bear witness to all my innermost musings..

I almost decided not to go to the hospital today. Either that, or I would have came in really late, seeing as I won't really be doing anything productive for about half a day (since or OPD days are pretty light). As my luck would have it, fate decided things for me and threw a monkey wrench into my plans, thus here I am..

I'm getting really sick and tired of the three-day cycle my life presently revolves around. It's bad enough that you have to go to work everyday and put up with the various personalities involved, but toss in going on duty every three days, and your life is pretty much messed up, especially for someone who's starting to have second thoughts about everything he has ever believed in..

I'll be the first to admit that I tend to procrastinate a lot, especially if I'm on my own time, and I don't really like what I'm supposed to do. It just gets a little frustrating at times when you wake up and realize that the life you're living at present isn't really what you envisioned it to be when you first signed up.. I guess you can't always expect life to go the way you THINK it should.. sigh..

I can't help but wonder "What if I had been less arrogant?", or "What if I hadn't been so stubborn in wanting to prove myself just to prove a goddamn point?". In hindsight, my life could have been so much simpler. Not necessarily easier ('coz everyone needs to work for what they have), but simpler. In fact, that's just about all I want out of life: Simplicity with a generous measure of peace and quiet..

I figure my main problem stems from the fact that I want to do a great many other things with my life at present, but am severely restricted by the rigors of residency. As a result, I'm developing a resistance of sorts. If I were ever an intellectually hungry eager-beaver who had an earnest passion to learn, that person has long gone, and is now replaced by a very cynical and disgruntled individual who isn't really happy about the crap he's in right now. Yesterday, I went to pick up my sweet inspiration from her hospital. We had breakfast together at a nearby McDonald's and I then took her home. It's been ages since we've last last been able to go on a proper date, since the demands of our medical training forced us to adapt, or fail miserably while trying..

I never thought I'd reach this really low point: already in the midst of finally getting started with training, but at the same time wanting to turn back with every step I take.I know it's a little too late to turn tail and start a new life (although I terribly wish that I could), Never mind the shame that apparently comes with changing directions. For me, those people are the real heroes: unafraid to change course as needed, and smart enough to know what they really want out of life. All this time, I've been driven by an unseen force to give a good effort to get into a good program to train.. but now what? I feel as though whatever impetus which has been driving me has left me out to dry.. I feel a little abandoned, and trapped in something I'm unable to reverse.. I guess this is what it feels when they say you've already squandered your life away (although I'm not even half done with it yet..).