*As usual, this entry was written while at the OPD..
I just came from a restful (?) break from Holy Week, which I dreaded somewhat because in my experience, any taste of normalcy in my life today is bound to to have serious repercussions the moment I head back to the hospital and face the surreal situation we live day in and day out.
I had the pleasure of running into an old friend/grade school classmate last duty. We chatted for a bit at his room, catching up on the latest news and reminiscing about old times. While in te midst of swapping stories, I realized that there's really a much bigger world out there for everyone to see. I've been too caught up in my "three-day cycle" that I think I've already forgotten how life is on the outside.
After coming home from an exhausting duty yesterday, I went to see my sweet inspiration, since it was our anniversary.. We had a very filling lunch at Sbarro's and basicaly enjoyed each other's company while strolling at the mall before I took her home.
Like I said, a little taste of normalcy is very dangerous, and I got up this morning pretty much feeling like crap. That hasn't changed in the 2 1/2 hours I've already spent here this morning.
My thoughts drift away to what alternatives I may do with my life should I decide to carve out a new path before it's too late..There's really no hard and fast rule in life that says you have to rigidly live it one way or another. All my life, it's always been about stability, about doing the same safe repetitive thing over and over. My motto was "if it ain't broke, don't change it". I'm kinda realizing now that its exactly that kind of mentality that's been leaving me broken in so many different places. It's this unusually prominent lack of flexibility that's been stopping me from growing and being able to experience life to the fullest...
At present, I'm starting to seriously consider a whole bunch of alternatives. Options which may not seem too glamorous, but are pretty much viable. Thing is, I never really desired greatness. I have no grand plans of eventually becoming the head of the society of so-and-so, or eventually being appointed medical director, chief of section or whatever nonsense.. I just want to be HAPPY.. earning enough money on the side to support a family that I can raise to be good and God-fearing. I guess I'm afraid to let people down, because so many people have such unreasonably high expectations of me.. stuff that I never really expected of myself..
There are really times when I'm not proud, maybe even ashamed of my MD... :( Mainly because of the expectations and hardship those two letters symbolize.. which isn't really fair on us doctors...
I wish I could reinvent myself, to be able to live a life that's truly worth living.. I have oftentimes questioned what drove me to be a doctor in the first place. As far as I can recall I have no overwhelming desire to "serve the poor", "help the sick", or any other idealistic bullshit that people cook up.. I guess I was in it for the challenge, because it was something I knew I COULD do (not necessarily meaning I'd be happy doing it, but I didn't realize it at the time.)..
Someone once said that you'd have to be nuts to really be passionate about being a doctor, and looking at some of the people I've encountered, that really isn't far from the truth..
Sigh.. I wish Auntie Doctora was still alive.. although I know she'd just rebuke me and tell me to just suck it up and bear it.. but the problem remains that I don't think I'm happy anymore.. I have often envied those guys on the Discovery Chanel, doing fascinating stuff that they love while travelling around the world learning about stuff they're really passionate about. I have to admit that I'm only hanging on by a very thin thread right now. It's so hard that all sorts of wild and wonderful alternative careers come to mind.
If I would be able to raise a little money, I'd probably start my own business, a little something on the side because I know deep down that I wont be making oodles of money as a doctor.. at least not within the first 10 years of finally becoming a consultant.. It's just too freaking long...
Everyone talks about making sacrifices, well I'm really sick of it.. It seems as though my life has been one big sacrifice.. I seriously need a fresh start, or a fresh outlook, although I'd very much prefer the former.. My thoughts currently swirl around the prospect of getting a brand new start in life (while I'm still relatively young). I feel as though I've (unknowingly) deprived myself of so many things (albeit indirectly) by the choices I've made in life..
I think I need a counselor.. Or a psychiatric consult..
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