Running on Fumes

It can't be helped. Every day I go to work still feeling like a pile of crap.. It's sad.. Its as though I'm just trudging through the weekdays just to live for the weekend.. :(

I just want to be done with everything, so that I may finally enjoy some semblance of control over my life.. Schedules and deadlines will never go away, but I will have the luxury of being able to choose which of those I would follow..

I really need to get back to exercising. I have given up on the ideal that I would have as much time for the gym as before, even if I (hopefully) hit my senior year next year. I'm so out of shape (although people say that round is a shape) thanks to the unhealthy duty lifestyle, prophylactic eating, the endless unecessary treats by the pharmas, and the general lack of activity upon reaching home because one has already been drained by the demands of the previous workday.. I should start by doing bodyweght exrcises since these require no other equipment for the most part.:P

I currently find solance in the playlists I presently have in my phone and laptop, especially my anime tracks. :) Never has zoning out while soundtripping been more pleasant. :P Its just sad I can't use my headphones while on duty though, since I might miss and important text or call from the consultant/wards..

Sigh, I just realized my post is ER again for next month.. No matter, 2 more months remaining, then hopefully I will be rid of ER duty for the rest of my life. >.<

Waiting Waiting Lang..

*Late entry

It's approximately 8:30 AM and here I am in the department office awaiting the moderator for my journal report. Man, I feel so tired.. We had to go to the monthly interhospital conference which was unfortunately held in a pharma company's headquarters far away in Paranaque and ended up with me finally reaching home at around 11:30PM due to the lateness of the event and the severe traffic along EDSA.. and to make matters worse, I was from duty yesterday, so imagine how lousy I feel right now..:(

I wish residents and fellows would not have to be compelled to attend such time consuming late-night functions, seeing as they already carry such a heavy workload in the context of their training. Pharma people may think that they are giving the trainess comfort food with a bit of medical education, but in my point of view, they're just contributing to the already unhealthy lifestyle endured by the residents in fellows in training, by asking the to eat really rich food then go home late at night.

Call me a killjoy, but I fail to appreciate treating us to nights out on our birthday, when people would drink and sign videoke, both of which are not really my cup of tea. I admit that I hardly enjoyed the last one I went to, and got home completely drained since I was already from duty (again) that night.. Then again, I'm nottoo much of a night person anyway..

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I would much rather appreciate being able to go home on time and sleep on my bed. If there was a pharma company who would provide me with free transportation to my home hassle-free, I would gladly support them with no strings attached :P You don't need to feed me or shower me with ballpens and other useless little trinkets. Just get me to my resting place in one piece when I'm dead tired from duty and we'll call it even.

Idle Thoughts While At Hemodialysis

12nn

I normally dislike accompanying patients to dialysis because it just eats up too much time. But I'll make an exception for once since it's still office hours. Being the floater of the month certainly has its advantages hehe. A very different story unfolds when these ambulance conductions occur past 5pm, mainly because you have a designated duty post which you're forced to leave behind and just play catch-up later when you eventually return, usually at some godforsaken hour..

I find myself more and more disillusioned with each passing day, which further strengthens my resolve to finish up so I can finally get my life started when these two years of fellowship are over. Enough is enough, as I have already given the best years of my life to training. Being a well-recognized doctor would be great, but that's not really something I'm aspiring for. I just want to be able to finally live my life according to my own design, while earning enough to make ends meet plus a little something extra for comfort and insurance.. Professional renown and adulation do not interest me. My experiences have showed me that a really busy life is one that is not worth living. An interesting question is whether I would go through all this again if I was given the chance to relive my life.. The answer used to come by so easily, but now I'm forced to think again.. It's really unfotunate that things have to be this way, but I guess the best advice I could give my future kids is to not go into medicine and instead live life to its fullest.. There are so many different ways to help people, and being a doctor is not necessarily the most noble one anyway, is it?

This essay forces me to reflect on a number of things.. Since when have I been this selfless? Its true that I was a bit turned off by someone who once sarcastically asked me if altruism still exists. But then again, that was someone who seemed a bit too off and disconnected from life for my taste. and to tell the truth, she seemed a little too weird.. Sorry, just had to get that out there :P

2pm 

Dang! Times up! The patient is being disconnected from the machine, and we're probably leaving in a few minutes. Still, I'll make the most of the time here by staying seated in this comfy chair until it's really time to move. :P One can never really get enough rest when he/she goes on duties like we do. . I just really want everything to be done and over with. I guess living life for so long under a routine which you have no control over really took its toll on me.. It got a little better when I was in my senior year of residency since I was the one calling the shots, but I was still pretty much tied to the demands of the hospital and department. I mean, I haven't had a vacation in like, forever.. :/

Oops, gotta go!!

A note of thanks..

While browsing, I noticed that my blog posts appear to all have a handful of hits (around 2-4 on the average). Upon realizing this, I thought I'd take the time to say thanks to the people out there who drop by my blog (either on purpose or just by accident). If you see anything you like, please feel free to drop a line and say hi.I appreciate the readership :) I haven't had anyone post a meaningful comment since I moved the blog here from the now-defunct Multiply.

I guess that is what's missing from the world today: people showing more gratefulness and just plain civility towards each other. :)

So I lost my iPad...

Damn, I feel so stupid, but helpless at the same time..

My trusty iPad was nowhere to be found when I left the hospital this afternoon. I have a feeling that it was stolen.. It kind of sucks because I know I last left it at the Fellows' Callroom,. supposedly the safest place to put your stuff. :(

Oh well.. I hope it can be found, but I'm not holding my breath.. :/

Lonely Fellow..

After my little online rant the other day, I kinda felt better, although I had a really toxic duty during that evening. Then when the time came for me to go home in the afternoon, I felt strangely calm and at peace.. Let me elaborate..

The fast few weeks have been kind of long and dragging for me.. I was feeling really down, unhealthy, and to tell you quite frankly, I felt sick (both literally and figuratively). Although things weren't really going bad in training, I felt a kind of loneliness which I had not felt since way back when I was just starting out as a medical resident. I was kind of moping around, clearly dissatisfied with my life. It didn't help that my female batchmates have one by one decided to turn their backs on me for some reason.. I mean, I don't think I did anyone wrong, nor did I get anyone into trouble. It may be true that I'm not really the most fun guy to be with, and that I only speak when I am spoken to (since I don't really have anything to talk to them about). I'm seen as no -nonsense, whereas they seem to be enjoying taking everything lightly except when it comes to work (where they get really worked up about everything). And they wonder why I don't seem to open up to them..

Getting to know me is a long process, as I don't really trust people with the details of my life that easily. That is why I do not really post any personal stuff on these social networking sites, and would like to keep my friend list to a minimum if possible. I am not a socia media narcissist like some other people who feel the obligation to take a new selfie every now and then and refresh their profile photo for whatever reason they may have.

I guess my sociability problem stems from the feeling of relative contentment I have with my life right now. I am not particularly wanting for anything. I am able to go home and be with my family on a regular basis (if you can call a resident/fellow's schedule "regular"). I fortunately have a special someone in my life who gives me something to look forward to in the future. :) I do not have any pressing aspirations to become fantastically wealthy, nor am I desiring a lavish lifestyle which I would have to work myself to death in order to maintain.. I guess all these things created this attitude that "I don't really need anything or anyone else", which is fundamentally wrong by itself..

But it's so hard to be sociable when you aren't really fond of things that sociable people do, like going out, drinking, and karaoke. I would very much rather snuggle up at home on my bed or spend the entire day playing NBA on a console. :P

I guess I have to wrap this up soon. The preop-postop conference starts in a few minutes.

Working Angry

I should not be blogging right now, since I'm supposed to be in the midst of preparing for a big-ass conference to be presented on Monday. But something in my head is screaming for its bloody release, so here we go..

I went to work this morning feeling absolutely lousy, and it didn't help that the traffic was just terrible when I left home, resulting in my coming in late for the 2nd time in 2 months.. :/ I'm really suspecting that I may have Obstructive Sleep Apnea, but I don't really have the time to get myself checked out. A funny thing since the Sleep Lab is on the floor where we make our rounds..

Truth be told, I think I'm starting to lose my faith in humanity.. You hear all this sad news from abroad about these individuals who have the nerve to actually call themselves "people" who are killing people left and right in an attempt to put up a rogue nation of sorts all in the name of their "religion". It sickens me that a wonderful thing like faith in an all-powerful diety can be perverted to evil means by selfish or twisted individuals for their own personal or misguided "selfless" gains.

I am not a religious bigot by any means, but its really frustrating when you hear the more conservative people from the same sect denouncing  theses monsters and yet they actually do little else.. Are they just paying lip service just so that their religion won't be seen in a bad light but the global community at large, whilst at the same time secretly rooting for these terrorists since they seem to promise a kind of religious utopia exclusive for them (no matter how perverted or horrible it may be for the other peoples, but who really cares about them anyway since they're all just unbelievers, eh?).

Its hard not to be suspicious, because all over the world you see them clamoring for special treatment, secession, and whatnot. What's wrong with just playing nice with everyone else? We're people too, you know. So what if we dont worship the same diety? Strict adherence to ancient texts which endorses the genocide of other people or treeating them poorly just because they don't worship who you worship is totally unfair, esecially if those people are just minding their own business.. Why can't you just leave them alone? Why do you have to push the issue? Religious belief is a very tricky thing, and people who are nuts have used it on many instances as a pretext for death and destruction. Maybe its time to reevaluate the teachings that you have. I have been looking into my belief system as well, and as a decent human being, I don't think I will be following any inflammatory statements regarding people of other faiths anytime soon because PEOPLE ARE STILL PEOPLE!!

I really want to respect everyone's belief system as long as they don't impinge on the rights of others. But that's the main problem here now, isn't it? There is a loss of respect for the rights of others. Just like a self-centered infant who always wishes to be the center of attention, or an impatient child who gets angry just because the grown-ups won't let him get his own stupid way, these misguided militants deserve to get their asses kicked before they could harm more people and ruin more lives.. I hope the moderate people among them finally wake up and see what is truly happening, and DO SOMETHING for the sake of human decency.

If these rouges are not true practitioners of your religion, then bring them to justice yourselves, or take a very big role in bringing them down, instead of the just watching as the rest of the world tries to fight them off while you sit smugly in your homes and wait for the dust to clear, and probably laugh at the rest of us if we fail to put them down. You have a stake in this too! Or maybe you just think that you'll be better off supporting the other side since they are technically your "brothers" anyway so you can just sit and watch the world burn.. Now I'm just sad for what humanity has become.... :(

Whoa.. That was uncharacteristically long, angry, and religiously flavored... I'm sorry. I'm just so fed up with the world right now.. There are other issues which kind of grind my gears, but this is the most pressing issue for me, which has been simmering beneath the surface for the longest time.. I'm not really comfortable discussing religion here as it would ruin the light-natured spirit of the blog, but this is also my own space where I can place whatever I want, especially issues which really get me ticked off.. I promise to tone down the rhetoric though, because this isn't really healthy either.