Idle Thoughts While At Hemodialysis

12nn

I normally dislike accompanying patients to dialysis because it just eats up too much time. But I'll make an exception for once since it's still office hours. Being the floater of the month certainly has its advantages hehe. A very different story unfolds when these ambulance conductions occur past 5pm, mainly because you have a designated duty post which you're forced to leave behind and just play catch-up later when you eventually return, usually at some godforsaken hour..

I find myself more and more disillusioned with each passing day, which further strengthens my resolve to finish up so I can finally get my life started when these two years of fellowship are over. Enough is enough, as I have already given the best years of my life to training. Being a well-recognized doctor would be great, but that's not really something I'm aspiring for. I just want to be able to finally live my life according to my own design, while earning enough to make ends meet plus a little something extra for comfort and insurance.. Professional renown and adulation do not interest me. My experiences have showed me that a really busy life is one that is not worth living. An interesting question is whether I would go through all this again if I was given the chance to relive my life.. The answer used to come by so easily, but now I'm forced to think again.. It's really unfotunate that things have to be this way, but I guess the best advice I could give my future kids is to not go into medicine and instead live life to its fullest.. There are so many different ways to help people, and being a doctor is not necessarily the most noble one anyway, is it?

This essay forces me to reflect on a number of things.. Since when have I been this selfless? Its true that I was a bit turned off by someone who once sarcastically asked me if altruism still exists. But then again, that was someone who seemed a bit too off and disconnected from life for my taste. and to tell the truth, she seemed a little too weird.. Sorry, just had to get that out there :P

2pm 

Dang! Times up! The patient is being disconnected from the machine, and we're probably leaving in a few minutes. Still, I'll make the most of the time here by staying seated in this comfy chair until it's really time to move. :P One can never really get enough rest when he/she goes on duties like we do. . I just really want everything to be done and over with. I guess living life for so long under a routine which you have no control over really took its toll on me.. It got a little better when I was in my senior year of residency since I was the one calling the shots, but I was still pretty much tied to the demands of the hospital and department. I mean, I haven't had a vacation in like, forever.. :/

Oops, gotta go!!