(What happened?)
Wow, after 10 minutes of furiously typing, I suddenly pressed something by mistake and all that I typed just vanished!!
Anyway, I was ranting about how toxic it is here in med, and how it got a whole lot more toxic due to the addition of an unecessary stressor.. I won't delve into that any more, but it would be enough to say that I feel like a neophyte again... :(
Sometimes I really don't get these doctors.. or the way medical school is conducted..
Some of them expect you to come to the first meeting knowing everything without making errors!! Eh kaya nga medical students pa lang diba? There's supposed to be an allowance for error! They set their expectations very high and if you fall short of that, you're nothing!! :( It's so sad when you think about it.. students who are willing to learn encounter teachers who are unwilling to teach!! It can get so frustrating and discouraging at times..
I understand that Med is supposed to be toxic. Siyempre doctor ka, kelangan madami kang alam 'di ba? But can't the consultants be even just a little bit nicer or more understanding? Kahit konti man lang?? (I'm not talking about the entire faculty here ha.. just a select few who, in my opinion, seem to hate students for what they are..) :(
Now I'm really toying with the idea of quitting.. I've had enough! The load just keeps piling up with no end in sight!! I don't even have time for myself anymore!! :( Every night when I go to bed (usually at 12mn or later) I always wonder when I could get a good nights' rest without worrrying about what's gonna happen the next day or week!! Dammit! I'm living life day by day!! Its so pathetic!! I'm sick and tired of always worrying, always being toxic, always pushing my body, mind, and soul to strive for something I'm not even sure I'll be successful at in the future!!
I never thought I'd wind up like this.. I was always the idealistic one.. I was foolish enough to think that I would never become jaded.. I can only laugh at myself now for being so naive.. In the past, if you'd ask me if I would change the choices I've made in my life, I'd probably tell you "No way! Ano ako, baliw?" Now the situation has changed, and I now think that I must have been crazy to have decided that way in the first place.. I now, more than ever, envy my batchmates who have chosen different paths and lead conderably simpler lives.. All I ever wanted in life was to be happy and have a sense of purpose.. Now I find myself with neither..
Life will go on, and stuff will happen. I'm at the point where there's no turning back.. I just hope I'll be able to do my best with the choices I've made , and live by the ideals that I have set my heart to ..
Make your light brightly shine 'til the journey's end; Luceat, Luceat Lux!!!
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