At the brink

*This entry was written while in the midst of an ER conference as I struggled between clarity and unconsciousness.. There's really just something about attending a conference in that room that really brings out the exhaustion in me..

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I hate this life..

I don't think I want to do this anymore. The frustrating thing is that I don't seem to get the support of my parents.. Probably because I already had a year off last year..

Thing is, I never really LOVED (as in love-love) Medicine. Sure, I liked it in Med school.. somewhat.. but I never wanted to do anything with it after I finished my rotations in Clerkship and Internship..

Now, stuck in the IM department of the hospital closest to home, I find that I have made a VERY BAD decision.. They say that you can never really stay away from what you love. I guess you should also stay away from the stuff you dislike.when you tried it once before. I thought (in my arrogance) that I could do anything if I wanted to.. the problem is, I'm not sure if I want this..

Now I'm stuck here, woefully regretting why I sought to be a clinician in the first place. It's not just residency, it's the lifestyle that gos with it, even when you reach consultant status..

I'm thinking of changing careers yet again, though it may sem that I'm a fickle-minded loco who gives up just like that, bear in mind that when I left neurology 2 years ago, it was mainly due to factors outside the scope of residency, and that now I have completed almost 5 months of Medicine residency..

I'm just not interested anymore.. I'm sick and tired of dealing directly th sick people.. The most frustrating part of which is I don't seem to have time for anything else anymore, most importantly, no time for study..

I'm thinking of switching over to Radiology, and before you judge me for this choice, please note that I have already had a lengthy discussion with a Radiology resident who was trying to recruit me after I had just quit from Neurology. I want to have a simple life.. Is that too much to ask?.. :(

I don't care what other people would think if I sought out this purportedly "lesser" path. The Radiology people do their part in taking care of patient too, right? It's no less honorable than the work of a clinician..